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Title: Old Habits
Rating: R
Fandom: BASEketball
Pairing: Coop/Remer, some Remer/Evette and Coop/Jenna
Word Count: 1,600
Summary: Old habits are hard to break.
Disclaimer: David Zucker owns these characters. I own nothing except the DVD and a desperate desire to fix the ending. No copyright infringement is intended.

Remer's not as stupid as some people seem to think he is. He's not the brightest bulb in the box, but he knows things. He knows that BASEketball is based on angles and velocity, even if he never thinks about those things when he's up to bat. He also knows that Squeak's girl-dude was born a man, and that's more than Squeak can say since he won't believe Remer when he tells him. And he knows that now that Coop's got a girlfriend, this thing between them has to stop.

He doesn't say anything the first time Coop kisses him after, when they're alone together in front of the T.V. a week after winning the championship. It's just a friendly make-out session that stops before Remer even has a chance to start lactating over it, but only because Squeak comes home and unknowingly interrupts them. Coop hasn't given Jenna the ring yet, anyway, so Remer doesn't let himself feel bad.

The second time, though, Squeak is at girl-dude's place for the night when Coop slips underneath Remer's covers and presses his palm to Remer's dick.


"Yeah, I know."

"No, I meant, 'Dude.'"

Coop stops. "What's wrong? Evette wear you out?"

"Dude, we have girlfriends now."

"It's not a girlfriend if all you do is fuck," Coop answers lightly.

"You've still got Jenna."


"So, we can't do this anymore."

Coop blinks at him. "Why?"

That's why Remer is smarter than Coop. Because Coop hasn't figured out the big why yet.

"Because you've got a girlfriend now and I've got Evette."

"I don't understand."

Remer shrugs. "I know."

Coop sleeps in Remer's bed that night, but Remer's pretty sure that needs to stop, too.


The third time is after a game against the Felons, when Coop scores the winning run. It's an away game so Jenna isn't there, and in the joy of winning, Coop kisses Remer on their way out of the locker room.

If he weren't so swept up in the joy of winning another game, Remer might've stopped it at that, but he's dizzy and exhilarated, too, and the next thing he knows, Coop's on his knees sucking Remer's cock.

He forgets about the shouldn'ts and the Evettes and the Jennas because this is how it's always been and old habits are hard to break. Yeah, maybe they need to grow up and start trying this stuff for real on actual girls and all that, but this has always been there and even though he knows he has to, Remer can't imagine actually not having this in his life. Since high school, when they couldn't get girls, and Coop decided what they needed was practice (then they'd get the khakis and then they'd get the girls), they've been practicing on each other and they just...never stopped.

He asked Coop about it once, and Coop said it was because they never found girls, so they must not've practiced enough yet. But they're good enough for girls now, so it should stop.

But it doesn't, because when Coop's finished sucking Remer's spine out through his dick, he drops to his knees and returns the favor.


The fourth time is when things go from bad to worse, because Remer is right in the middle of explaining to Coop why they can't make out anymore when Coop interrupts him and says, "But we always make out. It's our thing," and Remer can't really argue with that.

Somehow Remer ends up on his back with Coop riding his dick like a two-dollar whore and he forgets to ask what exactly Coop is practicing for.


Their last home game of the regular season, they lose spectacularly to the Ferries after Coop takes a psyche-out too far and gets benched because gay jokes aren't allowed. Remer gets pissed and hits the batter, and he ends up benched, too. That evening, Coop paws at him like a cat in heat and Remer pushes him off the couch, feeling a vindictive sort of triumph when Coop's ass hits the floor.

"Remer, what the fuck?" Coop asks.

"I told you we couldn't do this anymore."

"I know, never told me why."

"Because, dude, you can't have it both ways." Remer crosses his arms across his chest. "And you especially can't do psyche-outs like that, you fucking hypocrite."

Coops stares at him, wounded, then gets to his feet. "I'm going to Jenna's," he mumbles, and he doesn't come home that night.


They make it to the playoffs and Remer spends all the time he's not playing the game fucking Evette. She likes it every way he knows how plus some positions she taught him herself, and it's a good way to vent his frustration since she actually likes it rough. At the end of the first month of playoffs, she asks him if he's ever going to ask her to marry him, and, in a moment of shock and leftover resentment from the thing with Coop, he drops to his knees right then and asks her.

Another reason why Remer's not as stupid as people think? He knows Evette only wants to marry him because he's part owner of the Beers. Since she's pretty hot and won't care if he sleeps with other chicks, he's actually okay with that.

So he buys her a ring the next day and slips it on her finger right on the field, where he knows Coop will see. Maybe he's being a dick, but Coop's the one who still doesn't get it, so as far as he's concerned, he's entitled.


The next time is at Remer's bachelor/"we-made-it-to-the-finals!" party. Coop corners him after Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year finishes giving him a lap dance.

"Dude, you're getting married tomorrow."

"Dude, I know."

"You still haven't asked me to be your best man."

"Squeak's my best man."

Coop stares at him, hurt.

"What? Dude!"

"I can't let you be my best man."

"I know we had that fight, dude, but I'm your best friend."

"Coop, you can't be my best man. Just figure it out already, dude."

"Figure what out?"

Remer shrugs. "Never mind. I gotta go. Squeak's got another Playmate lined up for me."

But Coop pulls him back, kissing him desperately and holding his face still, like he's afraid Remer will pull away. He doesn't, because for a split-second, he's pretty sure Coop's finally got it.

But when they part for air, all Coop says is, "I guess you finally got good enough for a real girl, huh?"


"I think I still need to practice."

"Okay," Remer says, and kisses him again.

His bachelor party ends with Coop bent in half while Remer fucks him one last time.

For practice.


A week into their marriage, Evette slips two of her fingers into Remer's ass and works him over until he's begging to be fucked. She does, a huge-ass strap-on that might give him size issues if he could think straight, and he comes harder than he ever has with her before.

"How did you...?" he pants out.

"I thought you and Coop..."

"Not...not really."

She shrugs. "Can I have some money? I need a new coat."

He points her to the drawer he keeps his cash in and doesn't think about how he married a glorified hooker. If she weren't so fucking cool about it, he might care more.


For a while, things settle. Coop doesn't try to kiss him anymore and Evette fucks him a few more times, and teaches him a new way to eat her out. When he's at away games, he fucks whatever fan he can scrounge up at a bar afterwards, and he doesn't think about the fact that his hotel bed feels empty since he stopped letting Coop sleep in it.


The night they lose the championship, Coop shows up at his place drunk and tells him Jenna broke up with him because he was always on the road playing the game, and she'd told him before they got together, hadn't she, she never wanted to date an athlete because it meant he wouldn't be around all the time and stable. Remer's really not sure what to do until Evette shows up in the foyer, pats him on the cheek, and tells him not to worry, she'll be out of his hair in just a minute, and can he please give her the platinum card so she can treat herself to something shiny?

When she's gone, Remer takes Coop to the living room and gives him enough coffee to drown a cat.

This time it's not Coop who makes the first move. He can't, not the kind of move that needs to be made, no matter how much time Remer gives him. Remer's smart enough to figure that out, too.

"What are you doing?" Coop asks when Remer kisses him. "We got the girls. I had a girl. We don't need to practice anymore."

"I'm not practicing. I'm showing you what I learned."

Coop watches him with scared eyes. "I don't understand."

"I know."

Coop still hasn't figured out the big why. He might never, unless Remer shows him. And he has to show him. He can't keep being mad at Coop for not understanding when he's never even tried to make him.

Evette's going to be gone for hours and hopefully, that'll be enough time to teach Coop what this means. Because Remer may be stupid sometimes, but when it comes to Coop, BASEketball, and chicks who were born as dudes, Remer's a fucking genius.

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