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Title: A Fairy's Tale
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Matt Stone/Trey Parker
Word Count: 1,305
Summary: Trey calls Matt from Hawaii and asks for a bedtime story. Matt delivers. Includes fair princes, handsome knights, racist dragons, Travelocity, and sex on the beach. Not your average fairy tale.
Disclaimer: Matt and Trey own themselves. I just worship them. And I'm certainly not saying this happened or ever would in real life except for the part where they made out that one time, but whatever: semantics. I make no money off of this and write it simply for my own sick pleasure.
Thanks to: Willow.

Trey sighs, glances at the clock, and groans. His bed is so freaking empty and he’s not used to that anymore. It’s his own fault, really—he’s the one who decided he and Matt had been spending too much time together and insisted that they take separate vacations so they didn’t end up hating each other in the end.

Matt pointed out that they already spent pretty much all day together at the office even before they started fucking, and really…fair point. But Trey had persisted anyway and now he was regretting it.

Finally, he gives in to temptation and picks up the phone, curling into a ball as he dials Matt’s number. It takes four rings before Matt finally picks up, but when he does, Trey feels instantaneously better.

“Hello? Fucking early.”


"Trey, it's like...four in the morning."

"I know. I can't sleep. I miss you."

"You're the one who decided you needed a vacation and up and flew to Hawaii without me."

"Yeah, well...I miss you. Gloat all you want. I don't care. I just...miss you."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"Sing me a lullaby."

"Trey, you're a grown man. I'm not singing you a lullaby from Los Angeles while you're in Hawaii."

"But you'd do it if I were there?"


"Fine. At least tell me a bedtime story."


"It can be a dirty one."

"Well, that does sound kind of fun."


"Fine. So...there's this fair prince and he was captured by a dragon and taken to a far away land. And his partner, the handsome knight, misses him and wants him back."

"So what does the handsome knight do about it?"

"He vows to get him back."


"Well...the knight traveled to the far away land of Hawaii to rescue the fair prince from the volcano-dwelling dragon that held the fair prince captive."

"That's kind of racist, Matty."

"Yes, but you're loving this, so shut up, close your eyes, and let me dirty talk you to sleep."

"Fine. I'm listening. The racist dragon was keeping me captive."

"Not you. The fair prince."

"Right. The fair prince. So what's happening with his handsome knight?"

"Well, the handsome knight mounts his steed—"

"Heehee. That sounds dirty."

"That's sick, Trey. Really sick."

"Steed could mean anything!"

"No, it means horse."

"It could mean person! It could mean me! I mean the fair prince! Whatever!"

"No. You're a sick man."

"Just finish my bedtime story, you horsefucker."

"Fine. So the handsome knight has non-sexually mounted his steed—"

"That's a matter up for debate. But continue."

"So the knight mounts his steed and rides towards the Pacific coast, only to arrive and realize his horse will not tread water. 'How can he get to his prince?' he wonders. How can he ever make it to the far away land of Hawaii if his noble steed won't cross the water?"

"Yeah, Matt. How?"

"Ah. That is when the knight must become resourceful. That is when the knight discovers Travelocity and books himself a flight on a steed of a different sort. A flying steed."

"A flying steed? Now this is just getting silly."

"'s know. Steed. flies."

"What's it look like?"

"Um. Well. It's...big."

"A big flying horse?"

"Yes. It's called the USS Pegasus."

"That's how they name ships, not planes."

"God damn it, Trey, will you just shut up and let me tell the story?"

"Fine. So the handsome knight is on his noble steed, which is a flying horse, which is a flying ship. Named Pegasus. And he booked this trip on Travelocity. Continue."

"Yes. So he flies across the Pacific in the Pegasus until he lands at"


"No, I was going to say at the base of the volcano, near the dragon's lair."

"Right, because that makes this story make more sense."

"Shut up and just listen to the story, assmunch."

"You love it when I do that."

"Oh my God, shut up. I'm the one talking dirty."

"You're talking insane is what you're talking, but continue."

"So the handsome knight arrives and draws his sword—"

"They let him have a sword on an airplane? What kind of security is this?"

"Trey, I swear to Python—"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The knight drew his sword."

"Yes. The knight draws his sword and challenges the dragon to a fight for the prince's honor and the dragon laughs."

"Dragons can laugh?"

"Yes. In this story, dragons can laugh. And the dragon says, 'The fair prince has no honor! The fair prince is a dickfaced slut!'"

"Asshole. And dragons don't talk that way, anyway."

"This dragon does. So the knight says, 'Well, maybe he is a whore, but he's my whore, so give him back!' and the dragon says, 'If you want your whore, then come and claim him!'"

"You stole that line from Lord of the Rings."

"A little."


"Do you want the story or not?"


"So, the knight charges the dragon but the dragon shoots a ball of fire at him."

"Well, the knight is used to having balls fly at him, so at least that shouldn't prove to be too big of a challenge."

"It's the prince who's the man-whore here, not the knight."

"What the fuck ever, man."

"Does the prince want his fucking rescue or not?"

"Yes. Save him from the dragon that keeps shooting balls at him. He's not that into it, you know. Doesn't like the taste."

"Fine. So the knight side-steps the flying balls and beheads the dragon before charging into the prince's chamber and having angry sex with him for being stupid and flying off to Hawaii to get caught by the dragon in the first place."

"Aw, come on. You can't end it like that. That sucks."

"How do you want it to end?"

"I want them to make love on the beach."

"You giant girl."


"Fine. The handsome knight unties the fair prince—"

"He can leave him tied up if he wants. That's kind of hot."

"You're killing me, Trey."

"Fine. Untie him. Whatever."

"So the handsome knight unties the fair prince and carries him out of the dragon's lair and to the beach."

"They have to pass by the dragon's beheaded carcass on the way? That's disgusting."

"Yeah, like there was any semblance of mood left here, Trey."

"Well excuse me for pointing out the missed details."

"They get to the beach—"

"You don't have to yell."

"If I'm going to talk over you, yes I do."


"So they get to the beach and the handsome knight lays the fair prince out on the sand and—"

"Ew, on the sand? Wouldn't it places? That's gross."

"You wanted beach sex. Beach sex comes with sand in inappropriate places. Deal with it."

"What will they use for lube, then? You're an awful fairy teller."

"You know what, you big fairy? This teller says it's a story and in this story, the handsome knight flies in ships named Pegasus and dragons laugh. So you know what else? Gay sex is suddenly self-lubricated. Yeah, I said it. Self-lubrication."

"Wouldn't that be...slippery?"

"That's probably a good thing, what with all that sand gumming things up."

"This is so not sexy anymore, Matt."

"Was it ever?"

"Yes. I was being rescued by the brave knight. It was sexy."

"You have so many issues, you big queen."

"Just finish the fucking story."

"Fine. They make love on the beach. It's slippery and sandy. The end, dickface."

"I love you too, Matty."

"You're flying home tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah. Meet me at the airport?"

"With armor on."


"No. But if you're lucky, maybe when we get home."

"Mmmm. The sexy's back."

"So many issues, Trey. Seriously. So many issues."

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