![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
myficsTitle: Out [Part One of the "Trials" series, a sequel to "Heal"]
Paring: Seth/Ryan
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,579 (this chapter)
Summary: Ryan and Seth are finally together, but now Ryan's got one very big problem. Something's stopping him from really being with Seth.
Disclaimer: Me = Poor. Josh Schwartz = Both very ballsy and extremely rich. Note the difference.
Spoilers: For everything. Literally.
Notes: This is a sequel to "Heal", which you'll want to read before you read this. All 12 chapters of "Heal" can be found here.
Ryan’s been thinking ever since he and Seth started this…this. He’d been thinking before that, obviously, but more so since then. He’s been thinking about Volchok. And about Marissa. And about everything that his mind had been too obsessed with Seth to think about. And now he’s wondering if this trial, if having Volchok behind bars, if any of it will really matter. If having the trial over and done with will make him okay. If having legal proof that he didn’t kill her will make this, make them all right.
If it’ll make Marissa disappear.
He loves Seth. He knows he does. But the thing is, now that he’s got Seth, now that he’s able to focus on other things, on bigger problems, like the trial, or Volchok, or the whole Marissa being dead thing. Or the fact that a part of him still loves her. Or the fact that Ryan doesn’t understand how it’s possible for him to still love her, and yet still love Seth so much that it hurts. Now that he’s able to focus on that stuff, he’s thinking about it far too much.
He wonders if Seth still loves Summer, but he doesn’t know if knowing that would make things easier. If Seth still does, then Ryan knows he’s going to be hurt, hypocrisy be damned. But if Seth doesn’t, then Ryan’s going to feel worse, guiltier, than he already does.
Ryan wants to just close his eyes and wake up without her there, without her being omnipresent every minute of every day. He wants to enjoy what he has with Seth without feeling like she’s always standing over his shoulder, shaking her head at him.
Mostly he wants to give Seth what he knows Seth wants, what Seth needs, but he just can’t, not when he can feel Marissa’s eyes boring into the back of his head every time he kisses Seth, every time he holds him. It’s like Seth’s touch burns his skin, but it’s a burn he wants and needs. He just wishes it didn’t come at such a price.
Sometimes he wishes Marissa were still alive, but if she were, he wouldn’t have Seth. Not that he really has Seth, because he’s pretty sure he won’t really have Seth until Marissa’s out of his head.
He just wishes he knew how to get her out of his head.
*
School is really, really boring, Kaitlin thinks. She doesn’t understand why she has to sit here everyday listening to all these boring teachers. They talk too much. And give her too many tests. And they actually expect her to learn. As far as Kaitlin is concerned, that’s blasphemy. Or treason. Or something else equally as horrible.
The bell rings and she heads out into the hallway, glad that it’s lunchtime. It’s her first day back from her suspension and she’s already bored with this stuff. She just wants to sit down and have the lunch she brought from the Crab Shack, all the cholesterol and carbs be damned. She probably should’ve gone with the healthier options, like sushi or something, but Kaitlin’s never been one for eating raw fish. She’s nothing like Marissa after all.
Kaitlin tries to sit down at a table with an empty spot, but the girls block the seat. “Sorry,” they say, “this seat’s reserved for someone who, you know, doesn’t have a murderous dead sister.”
Kaitlin snaps, “Really? And here I thought this was the table for the vapid sluts of Harbor High.”
“No wonder you tried to fit right in,” one of them replies.
Kaitlin turns and stomps over to a table with only one occupant. “I’m sitting here,” she snaps at the boy.
“Okay,” he says, shrugging.
Kaitlin sighs and bites angrily into her French fry.
*
Summer arrives home for Thanksgiving Break, and is greeted at the airport by Julie, Neil, and Luke. Kaitlin’s there, too, but Summer wouldn’t exactly use the word “greeting” to describe the way Kaitlin responds to her presence.
She throws her arms around her father, hugging him closer, then grabs Luke and kisses him as hard as she can. “God, I’ve missed you,” she mutters before turning to Julie. She puts on the biggest smile she can muster for the Bitch Queen of Newport and says, “Julie! Let’s talk bridesmaid dresses, huh? Now, who’s your maid of honor? We need to think about color schemes and complexions. I think Kaitlin is a winter.”
“Summer,” Kaitlin mutters.
“Hmm?” Summer asks.
“No,” Kaitlin says, teeth gritted. “I mean, I’m a summer, not a winter.”
“Oh,” Summer says, off-handedly. “Doesn’t matter, we’ll work on it later. Right now I’m going to go with Luke, okay?”
Summer waves goodbye to Julie and her dad and follows Luke out to the car.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Luke says.
“I know, I hate that I live in Rhode Island and you live in here with your mom.”
“I’m not asking you to quit Brown,” Luke sighs, tightening his grip on the wheel.
“I know you’re not,” Summer asks, turning to face him. “I’m asking you to move there with me.”
“What?” Luke asks, turning to face her.
“Road!” Summer says quickly, waiting for him to get his eyes back on the highway. “I mean…I’m asking you to move out to Rhode Island, Luke. You can wait tables anywhere. You could get a nice apartment out there and we could…you know, be together.”
“So you want me to be a townie while you go to Brown?”
“I just…I just want you closer to me.”
“Well, I want to be closer, too, but that’s not in the cards right now.”
“All right, all right. It was just a suggestion.” Summer sighs, looking out the window. “I just thought it might be nice, is all.”
“It would,” Luke sighs. “But it’s just not possible. I’m sorry. We’ll figure something out, okay?”
“Okay.” Summer shrugs.
She sighs and stares out the window, watching the other cars on the road pass them by. It’s been almost three months since she was in Orange County, almost three months since she saw Luke, and she really didn’t want to start this off with a sort-of fight.
“What’s been going on since I left?” she asks, trying to lighten the mood.
Luke reaches over and takes her hand. “Summer, sweetie, um…you…you may want to brace yourself for this.”
“What’s happened now?” Summer snaps.
“Chino and Cohen. They’re sort of…together.”
Summer blinks at him. “Together, together?”
“Yeah.”
Summer suddenly finds that incredibly, horribly funny.
“Um. Why are you laughing, Sum?” he asks her.
“Cohen did always like to be on the bottom,” she laughs, nearing hysteria.
“Summer, that’s one of those things that I really don’t need you to share with me, okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” Summer says, still laughing.
Somewhere deep down inside of her, she realizes that she should’ve known.
*
The trial isn’t over by Thanksgiving break like Seth had hoped it would be. He thought the case was pretty open and shut, but the jury seems to be taking a long time to deliberate on whether or not Ryan is a credible witness.
After his outburst, Seth isn’t allowed back into the court, so he’s forced to stay home and wait for Ryan to arrive. He wants to be there with him, to hold his hand or something, but he’s not allowed, so he just stays and waits.
The plus side is that when Ryan comes home, he usually wants to curl up on the pool house bed with his arms around Seth, and that’s always just fine with him, except for the part where he’s starting to get impatient on the waiting, both for the trial, and, you know, more.
But Seth keeps his mouth shut, just takes care of that himself, and waits for Ryan to get home from court. He plays video games, he watches TV. He’s starting to like that Judge Hatchett chick. And then Ryan comes home and flops down on the bed with a sigh and holds his arms out. Seth climbs in next to him and Ryan buries his head in Seth’s shoulder and Seth just holds him because he can’t think of anything else to do.
“How’d it go today?” he asks quietly.
“’s all right,” Ryan replies.
“Still no verdict, huh?”
“Sandy says any day now,” Ryan sighs. “Of course, he’s been saying that for awhile now.”
“It’ll be over soon,” Seth says, softly before kissing him.
“I know,” Ryan says, one hand tangling in Seth’s hair. “I just wish it was now. I want him…I want him behind bars. I want him…want her…” Ryan swallows thickly before finishing. “I want them both…gone.”
“She doesn’t have to disappear completely,” Seth says. “I mean…I still love you. Even if she’s always here.” He touches Ryan’s chest, right at his heart. “I know there’s room for me, too.”
Ryan looks Seth in the eye and whispers, “Sometimes I’m not so sure.”
Seth swallows roughly and chokes out, “What do you mean?”
“I just mean…” Ryan sighs and rolls away from Seth. “I don’t know what I mean.”
Seth sits up and stares at the wall, trying to force himself not to cry. “I’m going to go see if Dad wants to barbeque tonight. My mad grilling skills might be needed. I’ll…I’ll see you later.”
Ryan says something, but Seth doesn’t hear, mostly because he’s slamming the pool house door behind him.
Remember when I said no more "Heal"? Yeah, I was lying. Or not so much "lying" as I honestly thought I was finished. I figured I'd done my job. I'd gotten them together after keeping them apart for 30,000 words. I was done. But I was actually shocked that people were wondering what was going to happen with the other storylines in the series. People cared about the trial, about Kaitlin, about Neil & Julie's wedding. I was shocked, because I cared, too. So after much internal debate, I finally decided to write a sequel fic. Call this my..."season 5", I suppose. Anyway, I love this universe too much to not continue it, so here's hoping that you like it enough to continue reading it. And remember, feed the author. Comments are my crack, and I'm addicted. :)
Paring: Seth/Ryan
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,579 (this chapter)
Summary: Ryan and Seth are finally together, but now Ryan's got one very big problem. Something's stopping him from really being with Seth.
Disclaimer: Me = Poor. Josh Schwartz = Both very ballsy and extremely rich. Note the difference.
Spoilers: For everything. Literally.
Notes: This is a sequel to "Heal", which you'll want to read before you read this. All 12 chapters of "Heal" can be found here.
Ryan’s been thinking ever since he and Seth started this…this. He’d been thinking before that, obviously, but more so since then. He’s been thinking about Volchok. And about Marissa. And about everything that his mind had been too obsessed with Seth to think about. And now he’s wondering if this trial, if having Volchok behind bars, if any of it will really matter. If having the trial over and done with will make him okay. If having legal proof that he didn’t kill her will make this, make them all right.
If it’ll make Marissa disappear.
He loves Seth. He knows he does. But the thing is, now that he’s got Seth, now that he’s able to focus on other things, on bigger problems, like the trial, or Volchok, or the whole Marissa being dead thing. Or the fact that a part of him still loves her. Or the fact that Ryan doesn’t understand how it’s possible for him to still love her, and yet still love Seth so much that it hurts. Now that he’s able to focus on that stuff, he’s thinking about it far too much.
He wonders if Seth still loves Summer, but he doesn’t know if knowing that would make things easier. If Seth still does, then Ryan knows he’s going to be hurt, hypocrisy be damned. But if Seth doesn’t, then Ryan’s going to feel worse, guiltier, than he already does.
Ryan wants to just close his eyes and wake up without her there, without her being omnipresent every minute of every day. He wants to enjoy what he has with Seth without feeling like she’s always standing over his shoulder, shaking her head at him.
Mostly he wants to give Seth what he knows Seth wants, what Seth needs, but he just can’t, not when he can feel Marissa’s eyes boring into the back of his head every time he kisses Seth, every time he holds him. It’s like Seth’s touch burns his skin, but it’s a burn he wants and needs. He just wishes it didn’t come at such a price.
Sometimes he wishes Marissa were still alive, but if she were, he wouldn’t have Seth. Not that he really has Seth, because he’s pretty sure he won’t really have Seth until Marissa’s out of his head.
He just wishes he knew how to get her out of his head.
School is really, really boring, Kaitlin thinks. She doesn’t understand why she has to sit here everyday listening to all these boring teachers. They talk too much. And give her too many tests. And they actually expect her to learn. As far as Kaitlin is concerned, that’s blasphemy. Or treason. Or something else equally as horrible.
The bell rings and she heads out into the hallway, glad that it’s lunchtime. It’s her first day back from her suspension and she’s already bored with this stuff. She just wants to sit down and have the lunch she brought from the Crab Shack, all the cholesterol and carbs be damned. She probably should’ve gone with the healthier options, like sushi or something, but Kaitlin’s never been one for eating raw fish. She’s nothing like Marissa after all.
Kaitlin tries to sit down at a table with an empty spot, but the girls block the seat. “Sorry,” they say, “this seat’s reserved for someone who, you know, doesn’t have a murderous dead sister.”
Kaitlin snaps, “Really? And here I thought this was the table for the vapid sluts of Harbor High.”
“No wonder you tried to fit right in,” one of them replies.
Kaitlin turns and stomps over to a table with only one occupant. “I’m sitting here,” she snaps at the boy.
“Okay,” he says, shrugging.
Kaitlin sighs and bites angrily into her French fry.
Summer arrives home for Thanksgiving Break, and is greeted at the airport by Julie, Neil, and Luke. Kaitlin’s there, too, but Summer wouldn’t exactly use the word “greeting” to describe the way Kaitlin responds to her presence.
She throws her arms around her father, hugging him closer, then grabs Luke and kisses him as hard as she can. “God, I’ve missed you,” she mutters before turning to Julie. She puts on the biggest smile she can muster for the Bitch Queen of Newport and says, “Julie! Let’s talk bridesmaid dresses, huh? Now, who’s your maid of honor? We need to think about color schemes and complexions. I think Kaitlin is a winter.”
“Summer,” Kaitlin mutters.
“Hmm?” Summer asks.
“No,” Kaitlin says, teeth gritted. “I mean, I’m a summer, not a winter.”
“Oh,” Summer says, off-handedly. “Doesn’t matter, we’ll work on it later. Right now I’m going to go with Luke, okay?”
Summer waves goodbye to Julie and her dad and follows Luke out to the car.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Luke says.
“I know, I hate that I live in Rhode Island and you live in here with your mom.”
“I’m not asking you to quit Brown,” Luke sighs, tightening his grip on the wheel.
“I know you’re not,” Summer asks, turning to face him. “I’m asking you to move there with me.”
“What?” Luke asks, turning to face her.
“Road!” Summer says quickly, waiting for him to get his eyes back on the highway. “I mean…I’m asking you to move out to Rhode Island, Luke. You can wait tables anywhere. You could get a nice apartment out there and we could…you know, be together.”
“So you want me to be a townie while you go to Brown?”
“I just…I just want you closer to me.”
“Well, I want to be closer, too, but that’s not in the cards right now.”
“All right, all right. It was just a suggestion.” Summer sighs, looking out the window. “I just thought it might be nice, is all.”
“It would,” Luke sighs. “But it’s just not possible. I’m sorry. We’ll figure something out, okay?”
“Okay.” Summer shrugs.
She sighs and stares out the window, watching the other cars on the road pass them by. It’s been almost three months since she was in Orange County, almost three months since she saw Luke, and she really didn’t want to start this off with a sort-of fight.
“What’s been going on since I left?” she asks, trying to lighten the mood.
Luke reaches over and takes her hand. “Summer, sweetie, um…you…you may want to brace yourself for this.”
“What’s happened now?” Summer snaps.
“Chino and Cohen. They’re sort of…together.”
Summer blinks at him. “Together, together?”
“Yeah.”
Summer suddenly finds that incredibly, horribly funny.
“Um. Why are you laughing, Sum?” he asks her.
“Cohen did always like to be on the bottom,” she laughs, nearing hysteria.
“Summer, that’s one of those things that I really don’t need you to share with me, okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” Summer says, still laughing.
Somewhere deep down inside of her, she realizes that she should’ve known.
The trial isn’t over by Thanksgiving break like Seth had hoped it would be. He thought the case was pretty open and shut, but the jury seems to be taking a long time to deliberate on whether or not Ryan is a credible witness.
After his outburst, Seth isn’t allowed back into the court, so he’s forced to stay home and wait for Ryan to arrive. He wants to be there with him, to hold his hand or something, but he’s not allowed, so he just stays and waits.
The plus side is that when Ryan comes home, he usually wants to curl up on the pool house bed with his arms around Seth, and that’s always just fine with him, except for the part where he’s starting to get impatient on the waiting, both for the trial, and, you know, more.
But Seth keeps his mouth shut, just takes care of that himself, and waits for Ryan to get home from court. He plays video games, he watches TV. He’s starting to like that Judge Hatchett chick. And then Ryan comes home and flops down on the bed with a sigh and holds his arms out. Seth climbs in next to him and Ryan buries his head in Seth’s shoulder and Seth just holds him because he can’t think of anything else to do.
“How’d it go today?” he asks quietly.
“’s all right,” Ryan replies.
“Still no verdict, huh?”
“Sandy says any day now,” Ryan sighs. “Of course, he’s been saying that for awhile now.”
“It’ll be over soon,” Seth says, softly before kissing him.
“I know,” Ryan says, one hand tangling in Seth’s hair. “I just wish it was now. I want him…I want him behind bars. I want him…want her…” Ryan swallows thickly before finishing. “I want them both…gone.”
“She doesn’t have to disappear completely,” Seth says. “I mean…I still love you. Even if she’s always here.” He touches Ryan’s chest, right at his heart. “I know there’s room for me, too.”
Ryan looks Seth in the eye and whispers, “Sometimes I’m not so sure.”
Seth swallows roughly and chokes out, “What do you mean?”
“I just mean…” Ryan sighs and rolls away from Seth. “I don’t know what I mean.”
Seth sits up and stares at the wall, trying to force himself not to cry. “I’m going to go see if Dad wants to barbeque tonight. My mad grilling skills might be needed. I’ll…I’ll see you later.”
Ryan says something, but Seth doesn’t hear, mostly because he’s slamming the pool house door behind him.
Remember when I said no more "Heal"? Yeah, I was lying. Or not so much "lying" as I honestly thought I was finished. I figured I'd done my job. I'd gotten them together after keeping them apart for 30,000 words. I was done. But I was actually shocked that people were wondering what was going to happen with the other storylines in the series. People cared about the trial, about Kaitlin, about Neil & Julie's wedding. I was shocked, because I cared, too. So after much internal debate, I finally decided to write a sequel fic. Call this my..."season 5", I suppose. Anyway, I love this universe too much to not continue it, so here's hoping that you like it enough to continue reading it. And remember, feed the author. Comments are my crack, and I'm addicted. :)
