![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
myficsTitle: Modern Medicine 1/6
Co-Written With: The absolutely lovely and talented![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dancinbutterfly
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Todd/Doug, JD/Elliot, Keith/Elliot, Turk/Carla.
Word Count: 5,384 of 31,805
Summary: After the events of My Self-Improvement, Doug and Todd try to hold together their budding relationship while JD tries to win back an old one.
Disclaimer: Bill Lawrence & NBC own Scrubs. Not for profit.
Thank You: Toagirlcalledkil for the amazing beta and dancinbutterfly for co-writing and kicking me into shape.
Todd drums his fingers on the steering wheel of his cherry red Mustang, then glances at his passenger.
Doug fidgets uncomfortably with his seat belt for a moment before giving him a nervous grin.
"Sorry, it was choking me," Doug says softly, then fixes his eyes straight ahead.
"I'll give you something better to choke on," Todd says, then puts the car into gear just as Doug actually does make a choking noise.
"Where are we going?" Doug asks when he regains the ability to talk.
Todd smiles at him. "The arcade."
"The arcade?"
"They just got in a new air hockey machine."
"Really?" Doug asks. His voice has a certain lilt to it that Todd has never heard him use before.
"Yeah," Todd replies.
"Cool," Doug says simply, and they ride in awkward silence the rest of the way to the arcade.
***
After they arrive at the arcade, Todd spends a few minutes in line at the changing machine waiting to turn a sizable portion of his paycheck into quarters. After that, he decides, all bets are off. This may be a date (is it a date?), but that doesn't mean he's going to let Doug win. The Todd plays for keeps.
***
Todd slides the quarters into the air hockey machine and tosses one of the paddles to Doug as it hums to life.
"It's a paddle," he tells him, unable to stop himself from grinning.
Doug looks at him quizzically.
"Spanking," Todd says with a frown, because really, Doug should be able to figure that out on his own.
"Oh." Doug glances down at the paddle in his hand. "Right. S-spanking."
Todd puts the puck in the middle of the table. "Speaking of spanking, I'm about to beat your ass. At the game, I mean. That one wasn't…that wasn't a dirty joke. Just to clarify."
"I know," Doug says, and hits the puck in Todd's direction. Todd wasn't expecting him to start yet, but hey, The Todd can play that game, too.
He lines up his shot and hits the puck right towards Doug's goal, but Doug saves it at the last second, then fakes left before hitting it right, banking it off the side and right into Todd's goal.
He looks up at Doug, admittedly a little surprised.
Doug smiles slyly. "My mom had one of these in her basement when I was a kid."
Todd grins. "Oh, it's like that, huh?" He lines up his shot and this time Doug isn't quick enough to stop it from sliding home.
"Good shot," Doug tells him, then throws the puck back up onto the table.
Todd tries the fake out on him on his next shot, but Doug anticipates his move and blocks it before returning it back in Todd's direction. It comes close to going in, but Todd manages to knock it out at the last second. It banks wildly and ends up in roughly the middle of the table, and neither man can reach it without standing up on tip-toes and leaning across the table. Their heads bump as they both go for the puck, and then Doug laughs nervously. Their foreheads are touching. Todd thinks maybe this is what it feels like to connect to someone on a level deeper than sex. It's frightening and wonderful at the same time.
Doug is the first to retreat to his side of the table, still making that nervous little chuckling sound, and Todd takes the opportunity to hit the puck right into Doug's goal.
Doug stares at him for a few moments, then pulls the puck out of the hole and puts it back on the table. Todd thinks, yeah, definitely a date.
***
They play foosball next, and Todd tries, he really, really tries not to say it, but halfway through their second game, he finally ends up blurting out, "The ball's in the hole. I've got a ball you can put in your hole."
And to his surprise, Doug smiles and says, "I don't think it'll go in. Maybe something else would be a better fit?"
Todd thinks that he could learn to live with Doug in his life.
***
Todd pulls the Mustang to a stop in front of a pale blue-painted apartment building a few miles from his own. Beside him, Doug finishes off the last of his ice cream cone.
"This is where I live," Doug says unnecessarily. "Um…do you want to come up? You don't have to."
Todd thinks about it. On the one hand…he really wants to say yes. On the other…well, that hand wants to say yes, too, but he knows that he should wait. They should wait.
"Maybe not tonight," he says.
"Oh," Doug says, suddenly stuttering again. "Yeah, of course. I mean…I thought…but no? It's okay. Really, it's fine. I…I had a nice time with you today." He unbuckles his seatbelt and reaches for the door handle.
"Wait," Todd says. "What's wrong?"
"It's okay," Doug says again. "I thought maybe we…that you felt…but if you don't, it's fine. I get it."
Todd frowns. This isn't what he meant at all.
"I…" he says. "No. That's not why. It's just a lot to take in on only one day, okay? I could. I might. But we should wait."
"Okay," Doug says quietly. He still looks like he doesn't believe him.
Todd reaches out cautiously and takes his chin between two fingers. "This isn't a red light, it's a caution sign, okay?"
"Okay," Doug repeats, but he still doesn't look convinced.
So Todd does the only thing that feels like it makes sense. He closes his eyes and kisses him.
Doug is hesitant at first, but soon his lips become pliant beneath Todd's.
By most standards, the kiss is chaste, but when Todd pulls away enough to meet Doug's eyes, he can tell that it was enough. Doug gets it. Right now, that's good enough for Todd.
"I should get inside," Doug says softly.
"Okay. Good night."
"Good night," Doug echoes, then opens the door. He hesitates for a second, then leans across the seat and presses a kiss to Todd's cheek. And then he's out of the car and the door is shut, and all Todd can do is smile and try to keep it together while he tries to drive home.
***
Doug nervously shifts the bottle of wine from one arm to the other as he prepares to knock on the door. He has to remind himself three times that Todd asked him here. Todd wants him here. He has nothing to be afraid of. Except for the part where he has everything to be afraid of, but Doug can work with that.
He finally takes a deep breath and raps his knuckles against the door twice. He has to fight the urge to run off down the hallway as he waits for the door to open, but he's okay. Really, he's just fine.
He has no idea what to expect when the door's open. He's never given any thought to what Todd's apartment might be like, mostly because he never in a million years thought he'd actually get to see it. But when the door opens, he takes it all in and realizes that he is not surprised at what he finds.
The apartment is painted mostly a very masculine blue color, and there are posters of various swimmers on the walls. One section near the television has nothing but posters of action movies, their stars large and bulgy.
Todd steps aside to allow him in and takes the bottle of wine from him.
"You brought booze? Dude, drunk five."
Doug smiles weakly and holds up his hand for Todd to smack, then shrugs off the light jacket he wore in case he got cold and folds it over one arm.
Todd invited him over for movies and popcorn. Their second date. It's been awhile since Doug has been on a second date, not since his last boyfriend Raoul left him for that trampy fishmonger at the market.
Todd had had the day off today, which is good, because Doug is pretty sure that if Todd tried to grab his ass again in public, he'd shriek like a woman.
Doug stared at the clock impatiently all day until it was time for his shift to be over, then he pulled his unfinished cherry sucker out of his mouth, shoved it in the trash, said goodbye to the bodies, and ran for the bus that would take him home so he could change into something nice.
Unfortunately, he feels like he's very overdressed, because The Todd is walking around in one of the Speedos Doug gave him and he smells like the Axe body spray. If he starts eating the M&Ms, Doug's going to think he's trying to make a move.
"Um…do you want to get dressed?" Doug offers weakly, even though he already knows the answer.
Todd cocks his head to the side and says, "I am. I hammocked up just for the occasion."
"Oh."
"You should sit," Todd adds, gesturing to his couch.
The apartment is a little messy but not obnoxiously so, and Doug pushes a bag of potato chips to one side of the couch, folds his jacket up, and sits down on it neatly.
He doesn't have to wait long before Todd flops down beside him and thrusts a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Todd shifts for a moment to get comfortable (he sat down on the bag of chips), and then smiles and presses play on his remote.
Doug has no idea what they're watching. Todd just said it was something awesome when he invited him over. Doug likes awesome. He can roll with that.
And then the movie begins. It turns out to be "The Mummy." Doug has never seen it before, but he's heard of it. And he really likes the lead actor. He's seen him in a few other things, and even aside from his acting skills, he's really, really hot.
"Every time I watch this, I think of that guy," Todd tells him.
"What guy?"
"The dead guy."
"I see a lot of dead guys, Todd. You have to help me out here."
Todd frowns. "He was friends with Dr. Cox."
"Oh, that dead guy. I wasn't working in the morgue then."
"I once saw them almost kiss," Todd says idly. "They said they were just playing a game." Todd shrugs. "Ooh, ooh, this is a good part. Pay attention."
On the screen, the hot priest starts making out with the shiny chick.
***
Doug doesn't do well with scary movies. He's prone to being frightened anyway, and having creepy mummies without skin or even eyeballs jump out at random moments just does not help his situation.
He doesn’t even notice he's doing it, but little by little, he finds himself scooting closer and closer to Todd, finally stopping when he's all but climbed into Todd's lap. The next time he gets scared, he just turns his head away from the screen and tries to hide his eyes against Todd's chest. Except that The Todd is pretty much all but naked, and now Doug feels even more scared than he was of the crazy mummy guy.
"Oh. Uh, sorry," he says softly.
Todd smiles at him, but doesn't say anything, just puts his arm around Doug as if to shield him from the bad guy.
Doug sighs and gives in, just leans against Todd and lets the embrace be his courage.
***
Somewhere towards the end of the movie, Doug ends up kissing Todd. He's not even sure how that happened, because he sure as hell didn't plan on doing it, and he wasn't even aware that he had the balls to go and do something like that. He suddenly finds his lips moving of their own accord towards Todd's, and Doug decides not to deny them something they so clearly want. Aside from the initial protest of "We're going to miss the best part," Todd kisses him with as much enthusiasm as he has for anything in his life, and Doug can't help it, he has to smile at that. One of the things he likes best about Todd is that he's so gung-ho about things. He doesn't hold back; when he loves something, he loves it with all his heart and soul. Doug's always admired that in a person.
Having Todd kiss him back like that gives Doug some reassurance. After the end of their first date, he wasn't sure if Todd really liked him or was just hanging out with him because of the presents. But no one could kiss like this if they didn't mean it, and it goes through Doug like warm honey.
He pauses kissing Todd long enough to run one palm down Todd's chest towards his groin, but Todd stops him before he even gets past his belly button.
"What are you doing?" Doug asks.
"Yellow light, remember?"
"That didn't feel like a yellow light," Doug counters, gesturing between their mouths to indicate their kiss. "It felt pretty damn green."
"The Todd has had a lot of practice throwing up green lights," Todd tells him. "And he's had a lot of car crashes."
Doug frowns. "Am I a car crash?"
"I hope not."
Doug nods. "Okay." He hesitates for a second, then presses their lips together again. "Is this okay?"
Todd nods.
Doug smiles and kisses Todd again. He doesn't want to be another car crash on the roadway of Todd's life. He can wait. He will wait. With his hazard lights on and everything.
***
Doug sighs as he makes his rounds through the hospital looking for any newly dead bodies to take back to the morgue. It's a slow day, death-wise, which should be great, and it is, but it leaves Doug bored. And when he's bored, he thinks too much, and right now he's thinking about how tonight will be their third date, and Todd still hasn't put out. Not that Doug is a horn dog or anything, he can totally wait if that's what he has to do. But he just thought…well, it's Todd. The man came to their second date dressed only in a Speedo. They should've at least exchanged hand jobs by now.
Doug is so busy thinking about why he has yet to get laid that he doesn't even notice where he's going, and he ends up tripping over the Janitor's mop bucket and ends up sticking his foot in the cold water up to his calf. Thankfully the Janitor never actually mops, so the water is clean, but still, wetfoot is never a fun way to spend one's day.
"Hey, watch where you're going—" the Janitor begins, then stops. "Oh, it's just Nervous Guy. Hi, Nervous Guy."
"Hi," Doug says, carefully pulling his leg out of the bucket and shaking it.
The Janitor frowns. "Okay, I'm only doing this because we kicked you out of the Brain Trust and replaced you with a guy who couldn't think his way out of a Peruvian death maze; it's not because I actually care or anything, but…what's wrong?"
Doug sighs. He may as well tell him. It's not like the Janitor won't forget this conversation ever happened within an hour of having it, anyway. Doug suspects the ammonia in his cleaning supplies is to blame for his short-term memory loss, but has never bothered to say anything. "My boyfriend won't put out," he says finally.
“You mean Sexed-Up Gay Surgeon Guy?"
"He's in the Brain Trust, how do you not know his name?"
"I do. I just think it's funny to piss you doctors off."
Doug frowns.
The Janitor watches him for a second, then says, "So why don't you…I don't know, do a sexy dance? Like this?" The Janitor holds the mop lovingly and throws one leg across it, then begins swinging his hips. It's disturbing. Doug kind of feels like he's watching some sort of bizarre porno like that imported Japanese shit that seems to be so popular online that he's never really been drawn to.
Just then, JD approaches, but freezes when he sees what the Janitor is doing.
"What the hell did you do to him, Doug?" JD asks.
"I think he finally short circuited," Doug replies, and backs away slowly.
"Good idea," JD says, and joins him in fleeing from the Janitor's gyrating hips.
When they're a safe distance away, JD asks, "What were you talking to him about, anyway?"
Doug blushes. "Oh. Um…it's just a thing. With me and Todd."
"What kind of thing?"
Doug stares fixedly at a spot on the floor and manages to say, "A sex thing. A lack of it."
JD blanches. "Oh. Um. Well…"
"I keep trying to…you know, initiate things, and he keeps stopping me. Has something like this ever happened to you?"
"How many times do I have to say it?" JD asks. "That's a vicious rumor! I only did that once and it was in college! Jesus, Doug!"
Doug frowns. "What? What rumor?"
JD freezes. "Oh. Um. Never mind. So you can't have sex?"
"I can," Doug insists. "But I'm starting to think that Todd can't. Why else would he keep stopping?"
JD pauses thoughtfully. "Maybe…maybe he doesn't want to rush things?"
"That's what he said, but come on, JD, it's Todd."
"Are you saying your boyfriend is a manwhore?"
"No," Doug says seriously, "I'm saying he wants to be."
JD nods thoughtfully. "Maybe he just wants to…I don't know, make things right with you? Or maybe you're like Kryptonite to his penis."
Doug's eyes widen. "Oh, God, that's it. That's what I am. That's it exactly. He takes one look at me and his penis dies." Doug thinks he's going to hyperventilate now. His boyfriend is allergic to his junk.
"Actually, not all Kryptonite kills, some of it just weakens…"
"Not helping!" Doug gasps out between strangled breaths.
"Sorry," JD says. "It's probably that first thing. Really. You want a glass of water?"
"I'm going to have to do the sexy dance, aren't I?" Doug asks desperately. "Don't make me do the sexy dance, JD. That was horrifying. I thought the Janitor was having a conniption."
"What is a conniption, anyway?" JD asks thoughtfully.
"If you go into one of your fantasies trying to guess possible meanings, I'm going to be forced to kick you in the groin," Doug says, leaning against the wall and doubling over to regain his normal breathing pattern.
JD frowns. "Fine. It really probably is that first thing."
Doug looks up, and steadies his hands against his knees. "Really?"
"Really," JD confirms.
"So I should just wait it out?"
"Or you could do the sexy dance to try and speed up the process," JD says helpfully.
"Cold showers it is, then," Doug sighs.
"Glad I could help," JD says, and as he walks off, Doug swears he can hear him mutter, "I know what a con is, but what's an iption?"
***
Todd gets off work an hour later than Doug does today, so he changes out of his scrubs and waits for him in the doctor's lounge.
While he's waiting, Dr. Cox comes in, surveys his khaki pants, and says, "So Nervous Guy's got himself a date with the scalpel jockey. Tell me, does he try to high five during sex?"
Doug stutters. "Um…n-n-no." Why does Cox make him this nervous? He doesn't even answer to him anymore. Cox has no power over him besides what Doug gives him, so why does Doug allow him to do this?
Cox just shakes his head. "He was the first person in this hospital to let you cop a feel before they suffered from a major case of deadness, wasn't he?"
Doug thinks about telling Cox that actually, he hasn't been allowed to cop a feel, but he really doesn't want to give him any more ammo, so he just stays quiet.
Todd walks in, half-way through buttoning up his shirt. He glances between Cox on one side of the room and Doug sitting on the couch trying to make himself as small as possible, then says, "Ready to go?"
Doug nods and stands, then notices that Cox is staring at the exposed portion of Todd's chest at the top of his shirt with a look of surprise on his face. Doug knows that look. He's seen it before. Their scrubs aren't exactly flattering, so it's easy to underestimate what someone's got under them. But Todd is built. Really, really well. Not that Doug cares; he likes Todd with or without his muscles, but still. He can't help it. He smirks.
***
Todd thought a lot about where to take Doug on their third date. He wanted it to be something special. Which is why he brought Doug to the airport.
"Where are we?" Doug asks as Todd pulls the car to a stop and climbs out.
"The airport," Todd tells him happily, and points at one of the planes coming in to land. "Come on," he hops up on the hood of his car and lies on his back, pillowing his head against his arms folded behind his head.
Doug frowns but climbs up, slipping slightly off the hood and scrambling back up before Todd reaches out and steadies him until he's in place beside him.
"What are we doing here?" he asks.
Todd smiles. "We're watching the planes come in."
"Oh." He's silent for a moment. "Um…Todd?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are we watching the planes come in?"
Todd frowns. "I like them," he says.
"Why?"
Doug asks a lot of questions, Todd has noticed. "I…I don't know. I just do." He hasn't ever thought about it, to be honest. Watching planes just gives him a happy feeling.
"Oh. That's cool. I like merry-go-rounds. They remind me of my Gran. She used to take me to one by her house whenever I went to visit." Todd watches Doug's face crack into smile. "She used to let me ride as long as I wanted and she never made fun of me for choosing the pink one."
Todd looks, just looks, at Doug for a long moment, then looks back up at the sky. A roar fills the air as a plane comes in for a landing.
The sound reminds him of his dad, who he really doesn’t call enough. He used to fly to his dad's place in up at Lake Michigan in the summers - always the best time of year for him growing up. At the lake with his dad, he didn't ever have to worry about her.
"Planes always took me to my dad," he says finally, his hand tucked behind his head, his eyes fixed on the stars and blinking lights above them. "They took me away, you know? And just being around them reminds me of that feeling."
“What were you getting taken away from?” Doug asks. His question is genuine and innocent but it hits Todd like a punch.
He doesn’t like to think about it. With the exception of Molly Clock and his dad – just the one time and he’d rather not remember that anyway – he’s never talked about it before. He feels stupid and scared and guilty just thinking about it.
“I…my mom.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. She…” Todd sighs heavily and tries not to squirm. He doesn’t have to say anything. He can just say she wasn’t a great mom and leave it at that.
But, damn it, he’s waited. He’s waited with Doug because yes, he wants to score with him. Big time. Lots of sex in lots of ways is called for, definitely, because someone who sucks on that many lollipops has to give the world’s best blow jobs. He just has to.
And if he lets things rush, Todd’s got no doubts that the sex would be good. Probably better than any he’s had so far – not that topping his experiences would be that difficult. But it would probably be just sex.
Which is awesome. The Todd is a fan of “just sex”. Only he doesn’t want to have “just sex” with Doug.
He’s had “just sex” a couple times and it’s never done what he wants it to. It’s left him empty. Or maybe he’s just been empty for so long that when the just sex is over and he goes back to being alone, he feels even more empty than he did to begin with.
He doesn’t want Doug to leave. But if he’s going to, Todd would rather Doug leave now. Because he thinks that if he and Doug decide to have sex, he’s not going to be able to stand going back to being empty if he does something to make Doug leave afterwards.
And hey, Doug likes him as is. Maybe, if he is really lucky, one day Doug could love him. Chances are Doug is one of the last people on the planet who would judge him.
“She...when I was a kid…she-she did …stuff,” Todd breaks off because damn it, this is hard to say out loud.
He can talk about sex and what's sexy until he's blue in the face. It’s one of his favorite past times, in fact. But this – what happened was not sex. And it was not sexy. It was his life and his childhood and it was just…bad.
He feels a hand on his arm. Doug’s left hand is touching him right below his DOC tattoo and it slides to the inside of his arm, over his elbow, and down his forearm until he can twine his fingers with the fingers of Todd’s right hand. And then he squeezes Todd’s hand once and says nothing – the pressure a quiet message of ‘I’m still here.’
He thinks that he’s pretty sure he can love Doug too. If he doesn’t already.
He takes a deep breath and squeezes Doug’s hand back. It makes Todd feel brave, at least brave enough to open his mouth.
“She used to say things, do things to me – they were wrong. I didn’t realize until I was way older. For the longest time I thought she did it because she loved me, you know? When I felt wrong and bad for what was going on with us, it was like I was the one messing up.”
He can feel Doug beside him. He’s closer now, their arms pressed close together, their hands clasped together. And he can feel Doug’s heat. It’s not even the sexy kind of heat – it’s just nice.
“When I went to my dad’s, I never had to worry about any of that. And it was nice, to just be away, to not have to worry. So, I guess that’s why The Todd likes planes. They remind me of that feeling – I’d get on a plane and I got to go be normal.”
“You are normal,” Doug says softly.
“Yeah, no.”
The Todd knows he is not the sharpest tack in the box but he’s not completely stupid either. He knows who he is and he knows what people, like Carla for instance, think of him.
And then Doug is in his line of sight. The hand not holding his is holding him up as he leans over Todd. “Yeah, you are normal. I mean, you’re strange, but you have a regular job and you have regular friends and you like regular movies.”
Then he kisses Todd and this is fantastic. Todd loves kissing. When done well—and Doug’s the first person who’s ever kissed him well—it's almost better than boning. He loves kissing Doug. And Doug seems to love kissing The Todd because he is really going to town.
“See?” Doug asks, pulling away softly. Todd can still feel his breath on his skin. “You kiss just like everyone else does. Only…”
Todd’s hands slide up under the back of Doug’ shirt. The skin of his back is warm and soft and smooth.
“Only what?”
“Only you’re way more enthusiastic than most people—which is just awesome.”
He’s never been good at any of this. He talks big but it’s just that: talk. He loves the talk but he loves the action way more especially when he’s getting it. “Yeah?”
Doug nods. "Yeah." He kisses Todd once more, then lays back down beside him. Quietly, he adds, "Todd?"
"Yeah?"
"You…you don't still think it's your fault, do you?"
"Not really," Todd says after a moment's pause. "I mean, sometimes I feel guilty. But remember that blonde shrink, Molly? She helped.”
“Good,” Doug says. “Because it’s not.” And then he does something that no one has ever really done to Todd before. He puts his arm around Todd’s shoulders and pulls him closer, almost like they’re trying to cuddle or something, but doing a half-assed job of it. Todd knows that they probably look really fucking stupid like this, given that he’s probably a full head taller than Doug and built a lot bigger, and here Doug is holding him, but it feels nice. It feels safe. Very few things in Todd’s life have ever felt safe before, and he knows better than to look a gift horse in the mouth when he sees one. He just stays like that, curled against Doug’s chest, and listens to the other man breathe. Strangely, between the car, the planes, and the Doug, he feels at home.
***
Todd is tired. He barely slept at all last night after he dropped Doug off, unable to think about anything except “I told him.” And no, Doug didn’t run away screaming or call him sick or disgusting, so that’s definitely a check mark in the plus column, but Todd still worries. Doug’s shift doesn’t start until three in the afternoon, and Todd’s been there since eight. He has nothing to do all day but worry about what Doug might say when he walks through the front doors. Well, that and surgery, but after his hands shook most of the way through a barely successful face lift, he got taken off the lead by Dr. Wen and consequently spends the rest of the morning assisting, which takes considerably less attention than being the lead, so. His mind wanders.
He likes to think that Doug will still want to go out with him after what he said. Doug’s a pretty accepting guy, after all, and he swears that he likes Todd just as he is. But there will always be a teeny part of Todd that thinks maybe he doesn’t deserve to be loved, that one day all the people in his life who care about him (and there are so few of them already, which doesn’t help) will wake up and realize that he’s not worth their time and never has been. It almost lowers his opinion of them that they haven’t already. People like Doug…they’re meant for good people, good clean people who aren’t tainted by the stain on their soul that someone who claimed to love them ingrained into them as one final “fuck you.”
And Todd really almost sort of wishes that Doug would hurry up and realize that, that Todd is one of the dirty ones, and that he’d be better off finding someone who’s good enough for him. At least then it’d happen before Todd has a chance to really and truly fall for him, because Todd already sort of feels it happening, deep inside. He doesn’t want to, not if Doug’s going to come to his senses and leave him hurting.
And all morning he carries his thoughts around like boulders that stay solitary in his head. He wishes he had someone to talk to about it, but he doesn’t, and it’s not until he goes for coffee that he realizes he actually does.
He’s fishing through his wallet for cash to pay Cabbage, and that’s when he sees it. A card, white and plain like any other, but his own private salvation nonetheless. Molly Clock, he reads, running his thumb over the embossed name.
He’s heading for an empty room and pulling out his cell phone before he even has a chance to thank Cabbage for the coffee.
Click here to go to part 2.
Co-Written With: The absolutely lovely and talented
dancinbutterflyRating: R
Pairing(s): Todd/Doug, JD/Elliot, Keith/Elliot, Turk/Carla.
Word Count: 5,384 of 31,805
Summary: After the events of My Self-Improvement, Doug and Todd try to hold together their budding relationship while JD tries to win back an old one.
Disclaimer: Bill Lawrence & NBC own Scrubs. Not for profit.
Thank You: To
agirlcalledkil for the amazing beta and dancinbutterfly for co-writing and kicking me into shape.Todd drums his fingers on the steering wheel of his cherry red Mustang, then glances at his passenger.
Doug fidgets uncomfortably with his seat belt for a moment before giving him a nervous grin.
"Sorry, it was choking me," Doug says softly, then fixes his eyes straight ahead.
"I'll give you something better to choke on," Todd says, then puts the car into gear just as Doug actually does make a choking noise.
"Where are we going?" Doug asks when he regains the ability to talk.
Todd smiles at him. "The arcade."
"The arcade?"
"They just got in a new air hockey machine."
"Really?" Doug asks. His voice has a certain lilt to it that Todd has never heard him use before.
"Yeah," Todd replies.
"Cool," Doug says simply, and they ride in awkward silence the rest of the way to the arcade.
After they arrive at the arcade, Todd spends a few minutes in line at the changing machine waiting to turn a sizable portion of his paycheck into quarters. After that, he decides, all bets are off. This may be a date (is it a date?), but that doesn't mean he's going to let Doug win. The Todd plays for keeps.
Todd slides the quarters into the air hockey machine and tosses one of the paddles to Doug as it hums to life.
"It's a paddle," he tells him, unable to stop himself from grinning.
Doug looks at him quizzically.
"Spanking," Todd says with a frown, because really, Doug should be able to figure that out on his own.
"Oh." Doug glances down at the paddle in his hand. "Right. S-spanking."
Todd puts the puck in the middle of the table. "Speaking of spanking, I'm about to beat your ass. At the game, I mean. That one wasn't…that wasn't a dirty joke. Just to clarify."
"I know," Doug says, and hits the puck in Todd's direction. Todd wasn't expecting him to start yet, but hey, The Todd can play that game, too.
He lines up his shot and hits the puck right towards Doug's goal, but Doug saves it at the last second, then fakes left before hitting it right, banking it off the side and right into Todd's goal.
He looks up at Doug, admittedly a little surprised.
Doug smiles slyly. "My mom had one of these in her basement when I was a kid."
Todd grins. "Oh, it's like that, huh?" He lines up his shot and this time Doug isn't quick enough to stop it from sliding home.
"Good shot," Doug tells him, then throws the puck back up onto the table.
Todd tries the fake out on him on his next shot, but Doug anticipates his move and blocks it before returning it back in Todd's direction. It comes close to going in, but Todd manages to knock it out at the last second. It banks wildly and ends up in roughly the middle of the table, and neither man can reach it without standing up on tip-toes and leaning across the table. Their heads bump as they both go for the puck, and then Doug laughs nervously. Their foreheads are touching. Todd thinks maybe this is what it feels like to connect to someone on a level deeper than sex. It's frightening and wonderful at the same time.
Doug is the first to retreat to his side of the table, still making that nervous little chuckling sound, and Todd takes the opportunity to hit the puck right into Doug's goal.
Doug stares at him for a few moments, then pulls the puck out of the hole and puts it back on the table. Todd thinks, yeah, definitely a date.
They play foosball next, and Todd tries, he really, really tries not to say it, but halfway through their second game, he finally ends up blurting out, "The ball's in the hole. I've got a ball you can put in your hole."
And to his surprise, Doug smiles and says, "I don't think it'll go in. Maybe something else would be a better fit?"
Todd thinks that he could learn to live with Doug in his life.
Todd pulls the Mustang to a stop in front of a pale blue-painted apartment building a few miles from his own. Beside him, Doug finishes off the last of his ice cream cone.
"This is where I live," Doug says unnecessarily. "Um…do you want to come up? You don't have to."
Todd thinks about it. On the one hand…he really wants to say yes. On the other…well, that hand wants to say yes, too, but he knows that he should wait. They should wait.
"Maybe not tonight," he says.
"Oh," Doug says, suddenly stuttering again. "Yeah, of course. I mean…I thought…but no? It's okay. Really, it's fine. I…I had a nice time with you today." He unbuckles his seatbelt and reaches for the door handle.
"Wait," Todd says. "What's wrong?"
"It's okay," Doug says again. "I thought maybe we…that you felt…but if you don't, it's fine. I get it."
Todd frowns. This isn't what he meant at all.
"I…" he says. "No. That's not why. It's just a lot to take in on only one day, okay? I could. I might. But we should wait."
"Okay," Doug says quietly. He still looks like he doesn't believe him.
Todd reaches out cautiously and takes his chin between two fingers. "This isn't a red light, it's a caution sign, okay?"
"Okay," Doug repeats, but he still doesn't look convinced.
So Todd does the only thing that feels like it makes sense. He closes his eyes and kisses him.
Doug is hesitant at first, but soon his lips become pliant beneath Todd's.
By most standards, the kiss is chaste, but when Todd pulls away enough to meet Doug's eyes, he can tell that it was enough. Doug gets it. Right now, that's good enough for Todd.
"I should get inside," Doug says softly.
"Okay. Good night."
"Good night," Doug echoes, then opens the door. He hesitates for a second, then leans across the seat and presses a kiss to Todd's cheek. And then he's out of the car and the door is shut, and all Todd can do is smile and try to keep it together while he tries to drive home.
Doug nervously shifts the bottle of wine from one arm to the other as he prepares to knock on the door. He has to remind himself three times that Todd asked him here. Todd wants him here. He has nothing to be afraid of. Except for the part where he has everything to be afraid of, but Doug can work with that.
He finally takes a deep breath and raps his knuckles against the door twice. He has to fight the urge to run off down the hallway as he waits for the door to open, but he's okay. Really, he's just fine.
He has no idea what to expect when the door's open. He's never given any thought to what Todd's apartment might be like, mostly because he never in a million years thought he'd actually get to see it. But when the door opens, he takes it all in and realizes that he is not surprised at what he finds.
The apartment is painted mostly a very masculine blue color, and there are posters of various swimmers on the walls. One section near the television has nothing but posters of action movies, their stars large and bulgy.
Todd steps aside to allow him in and takes the bottle of wine from him.
"You brought booze? Dude, drunk five."
Doug smiles weakly and holds up his hand for Todd to smack, then shrugs off the light jacket he wore in case he got cold and folds it over one arm.
Todd invited him over for movies and popcorn. Their second date. It's been awhile since Doug has been on a second date, not since his last boyfriend Raoul left him for that trampy fishmonger at the market.
Todd had had the day off today, which is good, because Doug is pretty sure that if Todd tried to grab his ass again in public, he'd shriek like a woman.
Doug stared at the clock impatiently all day until it was time for his shift to be over, then he pulled his unfinished cherry sucker out of his mouth, shoved it in the trash, said goodbye to the bodies, and ran for the bus that would take him home so he could change into something nice.
Unfortunately, he feels like he's very overdressed, because The Todd is walking around in one of the Speedos Doug gave him and he smells like the Axe body spray. If he starts eating the M&Ms, Doug's going to think he's trying to make a move.
"Um…do you want to get dressed?" Doug offers weakly, even though he already knows the answer.
Todd cocks his head to the side and says, "I am. I hammocked up just for the occasion."
"Oh."
"You should sit," Todd adds, gesturing to his couch.
The apartment is a little messy but not obnoxiously so, and Doug pushes a bag of potato chips to one side of the couch, folds his jacket up, and sits down on it neatly.
He doesn't have to wait long before Todd flops down beside him and thrusts a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Todd shifts for a moment to get comfortable (he sat down on the bag of chips), and then smiles and presses play on his remote.
Doug has no idea what they're watching. Todd just said it was something awesome when he invited him over. Doug likes awesome. He can roll with that.
And then the movie begins. It turns out to be "The Mummy." Doug has never seen it before, but he's heard of it. And he really likes the lead actor. He's seen him in a few other things, and even aside from his acting skills, he's really, really hot.
"Every time I watch this, I think of that guy," Todd tells him.
"What guy?"
"The dead guy."
"I see a lot of dead guys, Todd. You have to help me out here."
Todd frowns. "He was friends with Dr. Cox."
"Oh, that dead guy. I wasn't working in the morgue then."
"I once saw them almost kiss," Todd says idly. "They said they were just playing a game." Todd shrugs. "Ooh, ooh, this is a good part. Pay attention."
On the screen, the hot priest starts making out with the shiny chick.
Doug doesn't do well with scary movies. He's prone to being frightened anyway, and having creepy mummies without skin or even eyeballs jump out at random moments just does not help his situation.
He doesn’t even notice he's doing it, but little by little, he finds himself scooting closer and closer to Todd, finally stopping when he's all but climbed into Todd's lap. The next time he gets scared, he just turns his head away from the screen and tries to hide his eyes against Todd's chest. Except that The Todd is pretty much all but naked, and now Doug feels even more scared than he was of the crazy mummy guy.
"Oh. Uh, sorry," he says softly.
Todd smiles at him, but doesn't say anything, just puts his arm around Doug as if to shield him from the bad guy.
Doug sighs and gives in, just leans against Todd and lets the embrace be his courage.
Somewhere towards the end of the movie, Doug ends up kissing Todd. He's not even sure how that happened, because he sure as hell didn't plan on doing it, and he wasn't even aware that he had the balls to go and do something like that. He suddenly finds his lips moving of their own accord towards Todd's, and Doug decides not to deny them something they so clearly want. Aside from the initial protest of "We're going to miss the best part," Todd kisses him with as much enthusiasm as he has for anything in his life, and Doug can't help it, he has to smile at that. One of the things he likes best about Todd is that he's so gung-ho about things. He doesn't hold back; when he loves something, he loves it with all his heart and soul. Doug's always admired that in a person.
Having Todd kiss him back like that gives Doug some reassurance. After the end of their first date, he wasn't sure if Todd really liked him or was just hanging out with him because of the presents. But no one could kiss like this if they didn't mean it, and it goes through Doug like warm honey.
He pauses kissing Todd long enough to run one palm down Todd's chest towards his groin, but Todd stops him before he even gets past his belly button.
"What are you doing?" Doug asks.
"Yellow light, remember?"
"That didn't feel like a yellow light," Doug counters, gesturing between their mouths to indicate their kiss. "It felt pretty damn green."
"The Todd has had a lot of practice throwing up green lights," Todd tells him. "And he's had a lot of car crashes."
Doug frowns. "Am I a car crash?"
"I hope not."
Doug nods. "Okay." He hesitates for a second, then presses their lips together again. "Is this okay?"
Todd nods.
Doug smiles and kisses Todd again. He doesn't want to be another car crash on the roadway of Todd's life. He can wait. He will wait. With his hazard lights on and everything.
Doug sighs as he makes his rounds through the hospital looking for any newly dead bodies to take back to the morgue. It's a slow day, death-wise, which should be great, and it is, but it leaves Doug bored. And when he's bored, he thinks too much, and right now he's thinking about how tonight will be their third date, and Todd still hasn't put out. Not that Doug is a horn dog or anything, he can totally wait if that's what he has to do. But he just thought…well, it's Todd. The man came to their second date dressed only in a Speedo. They should've at least exchanged hand jobs by now.
Doug is so busy thinking about why he has yet to get laid that he doesn't even notice where he's going, and he ends up tripping over the Janitor's mop bucket and ends up sticking his foot in the cold water up to his calf. Thankfully the Janitor never actually mops, so the water is clean, but still, wetfoot is never a fun way to spend one's day.
"Hey, watch where you're going—" the Janitor begins, then stops. "Oh, it's just Nervous Guy. Hi, Nervous Guy."
"Hi," Doug says, carefully pulling his leg out of the bucket and shaking it.
The Janitor frowns. "Okay, I'm only doing this because we kicked you out of the Brain Trust and replaced you with a guy who couldn't think his way out of a Peruvian death maze; it's not because I actually care or anything, but…what's wrong?"
Doug sighs. He may as well tell him. It's not like the Janitor won't forget this conversation ever happened within an hour of having it, anyway. Doug suspects the ammonia in his cleaning supplies is to blame for his short-term memory loss, but has never bothered to say anything. "My boyfriend won't put out," he says finally.
“You mean Sexed-Up Gay Surgeon Guy?"
"He's in the Brain Trust, how do you not know his name?"
"I do. I just think it's funny to piss you doctors off."
Doug frowns.
The Janitor watches him for a second, then says, "So why don't you…I don't know, do a sexy dance? Like this?" The Janitor holds the mop lovingly and throws one leg across it, then begins swinging his hips. It's disturbing. Doug kind of feels like he's watching some sort of bizarre porno like that imported Japanese shit that seems to be so popular online that he's never really been drawn to.
Just then, JD approaches, but freezes when he sees what the Janitor is doing.
"What the hell did you do to him, Doug?" JD asks.
"I think he finally short circuited," Doug replies, and backs away slowly.
"Good idea," JD says, and joins him in fleeing from the Janitor's gyrating hips.
When they're a safe distance away, JD asks, "What were you talking to him about, anyway?"
Doug blushes. "Oh. Um…it's just a thing. With me and Todd."
"What kind of thing?"
Doug stares fixedly at a spot on the floor and manages to say, "A sex thing. A lack of it."
JD blanches. "Oh. Um. Well…"
"I keep trying to…you know, initiate things, and he keeps stopping me. Has something like this ever happened to you?"
"How many times do I have to say it?" JD asks. "That's a vicious rumor! I only did that once and it was in college! Jesus, Doug!"
Doug frowns. "What? What rumor?"
JD freezes. "Oh. Um. Never mind. So you can't have sex?"
"I can," Doug insists. "But I'm starting to think that Todd can't. Why else would he keep stopping?"
JD pauses thoughtfully. "Maybe…maybe he doesn't want to rush things?"
"That's what he said, but come on, JD, it's Todd."
"Are you saying your boyfriend is a manwhore?"
"No," Doug says seriously, "I'm saying he wants to be."
JD nods thoughtfully. "Maybe he just wants to…I don't know, make things right with you? Or maybe you're like Kryptonite to his penis."
Doug's eyes widen. "Oh, God, that's it. That's what I am. That's it exactly. He takes one look at me and his penis dies." Doug thinks he's going to hyperventilate now. His boyfriend is allergic to his junk.
"Actually, not all Kryptonite kills, some of it just weakens…"
"Not helping!" Doug gasps out between strangled breaths.
"Sorry," JD says. "It's probably that first thing. Really. You want a glass of water?"
"I'm going to have to do the sexy dance, aren't I?" Doug asks desperately. "Don't make me do the sexy dance, JD. That was horrifying. I thought the Janitor was having a conniption."
"What is a conniption, anyway?" JD asks thoughtfully.
"If you go into one of your fantasies trying to guess possible meanings, I'm going to be forced to kick you in the groin," Doug says, leaning against the wall and doubling over to regain his normal breathing pattern.
JD frowns. "Fine. It really probably is that first thing."
Doug looks up, and steadies his hands against his knees. "Really?"
"Really," JD confirms.
"So I should just wait it out?"
"Or you could do the sexy dance to try and speed up the process," JD says helpfully.
"Cold showers it is, then," Doug sighs.
"Glad I could help," JD says, and as he walks off, Doug swears he can hear him mutter, "I know what a con is, but what's an iption?"
Todd gets off work an hour later than Doug does today, so he changes out of his scrubs and waits for him in the doctor's lounge.
While he's waiting, Dr. Cox comes in, surveys his khaki pants, and says, "So Nervous Guy's got himself a date with the scalpel jockey. Tell me, does he try to high five during sex?"
Doug stutters. "Um…n-n-no." Why does Cox make him this nervous? He doesn't even answer to him anymore. Cox has no power over him besides what Doug gives him, so why does Doug allow him to do this?
Cox just shakes his head. "He was the first person in this hospital to let you cop a feel before they suffered from a major case of deadness, wasn't he?"
Doug thinks about telling Cox that actually, he hasn't been allowed to cop a feel, but he really doesn't want to give him any more ammo, so he just stays quiet.
Todd walks in, half-way through buttoning up his shirt. He glances between Cox on one side of the room and Doug sitting on the couch trying to make himself as small as possible, then says, "Ready to go?"
Doug nods and stands, then notices that Cox is staring at the exposed portion of Todd's chest at the top of his shirt with a look of surprise on his face. Doug knows that look. He's seen it before. Their scrubs aren't exactly flattering, so it's easy to underestimate what someone's got under them. But Todd is built. Really, really well. Not that Doug cares; he likes Todd with or without his muscles, but still. He can't help it. He smirks.
Todd thought a lot about where to take Doug on their third date. He wanted it to be something special. Which is why he brought Doug to the airport.
"Where are we?" Doug asks as Todd pulls the car to a stop and climbs out.
"The airport," Todd tells him happily, and points at one of the planes coming in to land. "Come on," he hops up on the hood of his car and lies on his back, pillowing his head against his arms folded behind his head.
Doug frowns but climbs up, slipping slightly off the hood and scrambling back up before Todd reaches out and steadies him until he's in place beside him.
"What are we doing here?" he asks.
Todd smiles. "We're watching the planes come in."
"Oh." He's silent for a moment. "Um…Todd?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are we watching the planes come in?"
Todd frowns. "I like them," he says.
"Why?"
Doug asks a lot of questions, Todd has noticed. "I…I don't know. I just do." He hasn't ever thought about it, to be honest. Watching planes just gives him a happy feeling.
"Oh. That's cool. I like merry-go-rounds. They remind me of my Gran. She used to take me to one by her house whenever I went to visit." Todd watches Doug's face crack into smile. "She used to let me ride as long as I wanted and she never made fun of me for choosing the pink one."
Todd looks, just looks, at Doug for a long moment, then looks back up at the sky. A roar fills the air as a plane comes in for a landing.
The sound reminds him of his dad, who he really doesn’t call enough. He used to fly to his dad's place in up at Lake Michigan in the summers - always the best time of year for him growing up. At the lake with his dad, he didn't ever have to worry about her.
"Planes always took me to my dad," he says finally, his hand tucked behind his head, his eyes fixed on the stars and blinking lights above them. "They took me away, you know? And just being around them reminds me of that feeling."
“What were you getting taken away from?” Doug asks. His question is genuine and innocent but it hits Todd like a punch.
He doesn’t like to think about it. With the exception of Molly Clock and his dad – just the one time and he’d rather not remember that anyway – he’s never talked about it before. He feels stupid and scared and guilty just thinking about it.
“I…my mom.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. She…” Todd sighs heavily and tries not to squirm. He doesn’t have to say anything. He can just say she wasn’t a great mom and leave it at that.
But, damn it, he’s waited. He’s waited with Doug because yes, he wants to score with him. Big time. Lots of sex in lots of ways is called for, definitely, because someone who sucks on that many lollipops has to give the world’s best blow jobs. He just has to.
And if he lets things rush, Todd’s got no doubts that the sex would be good. Probably better than any he’s had so far – not that topping his experiences would be that difficult. But it would probably be just sex.
Which is awesome. The Todd is a fan of “just sex”. Only he doesn’t want to have “just sex” with Doug.
He’s had “just sex” a couple times and it’s never done what he wants it to. It’s left him empty. Or maybe he’s just been empty for so long that when the just sex is over and he goes back to being alone, he feels even more empty than he did to begin with.
He doesn’t want Doug to leave. But if he’s going to, Todd would rather Doug leave now. Because he thinks that if he and Doug decide to have sex, he’s not going to be able to stand going back to being empty if he does something to make Doug leave afterwards.
And hey, Doug likes him as is. Maybe, if he is really lucky, one day Doug could love him. Chances are Doug is one of the last people on the planet who would judge him.
“She...when I was a kid…she-she did …stuff,” Todd breaks off because damn it, this is hard to say out loud.
He can talk about sex and what's sexy until he's blue in the face. It’s one of his favorite past times, in fact. But this – what happened was not sex. And it was not sexy. It was his life and his childhood and it was just…bad.
He feels a hand on his arm. Doug’s left hand is touching him right below his DOC tattoo and it slides to the inside of his arm, over his elbow, and down his forearm until he can twine his fingers with the fingers of Todd’s right hand. And then he squeezes Todd’s hand once and says nothing – the pressure a quiet message of ‘I’m still here.’
He thinks that he’s pretty sure he can love Doug too. If he doesn’t already.
He takes a deep breath and squeezes Doug’s hand back. It makes Todd feel brave, at least brave enough to open his mouth.
“She used to say things, do things to me – they were wrong. I didn’t realize until I was way older. For the longest time I thought she did it because she loved me, you know? When I felt wrong and bad for what was going on with us, it was like I was the one messing up.”
He can feel Doug beside him. He’s closer now, their arms pressed close together, their hands clasped together. And he can feel Doug’s heat. It’s not even the sexy kind of heat – it’s just nice.
“When I went to my dad’s, I never had to worry about any of that. And it was nice, to just be away, to not have to worry. So, I guess that’s why The Todd likes planes. They remind me of that feeling – I’d get on a plane and I got to go be normal.”
“You are normal,” Doug says softly.
“Yeah, no.”
The Todd knows he is not the sharpest tack in the box but he’s not completely stupid either. He knows who he is and he knows what people, like Carla for instance, think of him.
And then Doug is in his line of sight. The hand not holding his is holding him up as he leans over Todd. “Yeah, you are normal. I mean, you’re strange, but you have a regular job and you have regular friends and you like regular movies.”
Then he kisses Todd and this is fantastic. Todd loves kissing. When done well—and Doug’s the first person who’s ever kissed him well—it's almost better than boning. He loves kissing Doug. And Doug seems to love kissing The Todd because he is really going to town.
“See?” Doug asks, pulling away softly. Todd can still feel his breath on his skin. “You kiss just like everyone else does. Only…”
Todd’s hands slide up under the back of Doug’ shirt. The skin of his back is warm and soft and smooth.
“Only what?”
“Only you’re way more enthusiastic than most people—which is just awesome.”
He’s never been good at any of this. He talks big but it’s just that: talk. He loves the talk but he loves the action way more especially when he’s getting it. “Yeah?”
Doug nods. "Yeah." He kisses Todd once more, then lays back down beside him. Quietly, he adds, "Todd?"
"Yeah?"
"You…you don't still think it's your fault, do you?"
"Not really," Todd says after a moment's pause. "I mean, sometimes I feel guilty. But remember that blonde shrink, Molly? She helped.”
“Good,” Doug says. “Because it’s not.” And then he does something that no one has ever really done to Todd before. He puts his arm around Todd’s shoulders and pulls him closer, almost like they’re trying to cuddle or something, but doing a half-assed job of it. Todd knows that they probably look really fucking stupid like this, given that he’s probably a full head taller than Doug and built a lot bigger, and here Doug is holding him, but it feels nice. It feels safe. Very few things in Todd’s life have ever felt safe before, and he knows better than to look a gift horse in the mouth when he sees one. He just stays like that, curled against Doug’s chest, and listens to the other man breathe. Strangely, between the car, the planes, and the Doug, he feels at home.
Todd is tired. He barely slept at all last night after he dropped Doug off, unable to think about anything except “I told him.” And no, Doug didn’t run away screaming or call him sick or disgusting, so that’s definitely a check mark in the plus column, but Todd still worries. Doug’s shift doesn’t start until three in the afternoon, and Todd’s been there since eight. He has nothing to do all day but worry about what Doug might say when he walks through the front doors. Well, that and surgery, but after his hands shook most of the way through a barely successful face lift, he got taken off the lead by Dr. Wen and consequently spends the rest of the morning assisting, which takes considerably less attention than being the lead, so. His mind wanders.
He likes to think that Doug will still want to go out with him after what he said. Doug’s a pretty accepting guy, after all, and he swears that he likes Todd just as he is. But there will always be a teeny part of Todd that thinks maybe he doesn’t deserve to be loved, that one day all the people in his life who care about him (and there are so few of them already, which doesn’t help) will wake up and realize that he’s not worth their time and never has been. It almost lowers his opinion of them that they haven’t already. People like Doug…they’re meant for good people, good clean people who aren’t tainted by the stain on their soul that someone who claimed to love them ingrained into them as one final “fuck you.”
And Todd really almost sort of wishes that Doug would hurry up and realize that, that Todd is one of the dirty ones, and that he’d be better off finding someone who’s good enough for him. At least then it’d happen before Todd has a chance to really and truly fall for him, because Todd already sort of feels it happening, deep inside. He doesn’t want to, not if Doug’s going to come to his senses and leave him hurting.
And all morning he carries his thoughts around like boulders that stay solitary in his head. He wishes he had someone to talk to about it, but he doesn’t, and it’s not until he goes for coffee that he realizes he actually does.
He’s fishing through his wallet for cash to pay Cabbage, and that’s when he sees it. A card, white and plain like any other, but his own private salvation nonetheless. Molly Clock, he reads, running his thumb over the embossed name.
He’s heading for an empty room and pulling out his cell phone before he even has a chance to thank Cabbage for the coffee.
Click here to go to part 2.
