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myficsTitle: A Second Soul Mate (3/4)
Pairing: Luke/Seth, Seth/Ryan, Seth/OC, Carson/OC, Luke/OC, past Luke/Marissa, past Ryan/Marissa, past Ryan/Teresa and all other canon pairings.
Rating: R.
Word Count: 3,971 this chapter, 10,019 overall.
Warnings: Internalized homophobia and Luke participates in a gay-bashing in part three.
Summary: He felt like, post-Marissa, everyone could read it on his face, like she had been a barrier of invisibility that he had hidden behind until then, and they were just seeing the real him for the first time. The gay him.
Disclaimer: Me = Poor. Josh Schwartz = Filthy rich. Note the difference.
Author’s Notes: Above all else, I suppose, this fic is a Luke-fic. It follows him through season 1 and the start of season 2 as he realizes that he’s gay, and then it realistically deals with that. For those who don’t know, internalized homophobia is when a person doesn’t want to admit they are gay, and they hate themselves for the urges that they have. (And special thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
crystallekil for help with the songs.)
They ate their dinner in complete silence. When his dad finally came home, Luke decided it was high time he went to bed and headed down the hallway to his bedroom, even though it was only ten o’clock.
He lay down on his bed and tried to figure things out, but thinking only made it worse, so he gave up. He got thirsty, so he got up to head back to the kitchen, when he heard Seth and his father talking. He peeked around the corner to see what was going on.
“I know,” his father said, patting Seth’s shoulder sympathetically. “I went through the same thing when I was your age. Well, not exactly, of course, but I mean the being in love with your best friend part. His name was Jack, and as far as I was concerned, Jack could do no wrong. And then I told him how I felt and he and the rest of our friends beat me up behind the gym after school. After graduation, I moved to Newport and I haven’t seen him since.”
“It’s just so hard,” Seth said, and Luke thought he could hear tears in his voice. “I mean, I never even got to tell him. And now it’s like…all I can think about is, ‘If I had told him, would he have gotten Teresa pregnant? Would he have been so miserable with Marissa for so long?’ And I know that I’ll never know the answers. I just…God, I miss him.”
“I know. You’ll be okay, I promise.”
“I know, but…it feels like a part of me went with him to Chino and I can’t ever get it back. He won’t even answer my calls.”
“Maybe he’s trying to make it easier for everyone.”
“The only way he could make this easier is if he’d come home,” Seth said, resting his chin on his hand. “I just want him back.”
“He was never yours to begin with,” Luke’s dad said gently.
Seth’s head snapped up and he said, “Yes he was,” in a tone that Luke didn’t recognize. It was almost…predatory.
Seth seemed to be done talking because he went silent and his dad started plying him with ice cream, so Luke figured he should leave them to it. He turned and walked to the bathroom and got himself a drink from the spigot before returning to his room and lying back down.
God, he wanted Seth. There was no other way to put it. But Seth was in love with Ryan, and from the way it sounded, he wasn’t going to be getting over that any time soon.
Luke fell asleep with images of Seth kissing Ryan haunting his brain.
I am lost in the see-thru
I think you lost yourself too
Throughout all of this confusion
I hope I somehow get to you
He woke up when his dad shook him awake. “Hey, you forgot to set your alarm. You gotta leave for work soon.”
Luke sat up with a jolt. “Oh, right. Sorry.”
He jumped out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom to shower. Throwing open the door, he froze in his tracks.
Shit.
He slammed the door shut and ran back to his room. “OhGodohGodohGod,” he muttered.
There was a knock on his door and Seth called, “I’m done with the shower now, you can go in if you want. Sorry about that.”
Luke felt slightly hysterical as he made his way back to the bathroom, knowing that he was definitely going to be jerking off this morning, and knowing exactly what mental image he’d be using.
Oh, God. He’d seen it. Sure, he’d pictured it in his twisted fantasies before, but that wasn’t like seeing it in real life and actually knowing what it looked like.
It was better than he’d imagined. A little less thick, but a little longer, cut, obviously, and definitely one of the nicest Luke had ever seen. Not that he’d seen many, but he was sure that even if he saw a hundred, it wouldn’t matter. None of them would ever compare to Seth’s simply because it was Seth’s and that made it better by default.
It was that moment that Luke realized that he and Seth weren’t so different. Seth had come to Portland to get away from the memories of the guy he loved who would never love him back…who could never love him back now. Seth had needed to escape. Wasn’t that what Luke had done? Hadn’t he left to get away from the memory of Seth? The only difference was that Seth left with his head held high, admitting why he was leaving. Luke hadn’t. He still hadn’t admitted it.
He wasn’t ready for it to be real yet. Those kisses were mistakes, lapses in judgment. Even if they did give him away, he still wasn’t ready to say the words. Saying them would make it real, and it being real would change his entire life and he wasn’t ready for that.
So maybe he should cut Seth some slack. Maybe, as much as it hurt, he should back off. Maybe he should let Seth heal. That’s what he’d come to Portland for. It was why they’d both come.
You can't change the way you feel
I could never do that, I could never do that
But you can't tell me this ain't real
Cuz this is real
They went to a party the second week Seth was there. They’d had a few drinks and Luke was feeling nicely tipsy when this guy came up to him and put his arms around Luke’s waist. He kept trying to get away, but the guy was wasted and wouldn’t back off. And then he tried to kiss Luke, and he’d had enough. He snapped and started punching the guy. Even after he’d gotten out of the guy’s grip he kept punching and kicking the guy. He was bleeding and screaming for Luke to stop, but Luke kept going.
“You fucking queer! Learn your lesson you stupid faggot! You and your stupid fudge-packing friends deserve what you get. Can’t even take it like a man, can you? Lying there crying and bleeding. Get up, queer boy. Get up and fight me like a man. Can’t, can you, you fucking pansy.”
Somewhere in his alcohol-addled brain, he knew he’d gone too far. He knew that he should really stop kicking the guy and that he should shut his mouth, but some how he couldn’t. He couldn’t turn the anger off because he wasn’t angry at the guy. He was angry at himself and he was pouring every ounce of hate he felt towards himself into his punches and kicks, taking it all out on some nameless stranger.
He felt an arm close around his and he turned to punch whoever it was, but stopped. It was Seth.
“Come on,” Seth said angrily, leading him out of the building. Everyone stared at them as they left and he heard someone shout “Call 9-1-1,” but he didn’t care.
When they got outside, Seth shoved him into a wall hard. His head cracked against the brick, but he barely felt it.
“What the fuck do you think you were doing?” Seth shouted.
“I…” Luke paused, unsure what to say.
“You know, I’ve played along with this whole ‘Luke Ward is straight’ fantasy world that you like to live in so far, but just because you’re in denial, that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on that guy. It doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me. Now I know you don’t wanna face this. I’ve been there. I know you don’t want to admit it. But guess what, Luke? You’re here and you are most definitely queer. And sooner or later you’re going to have to fucking square with that, and in the meantime, you’ve got to stop kissing me and then treating me like crap, and you’ve really got to check that anger. Now I’m going back in there to see if that guy’s okay. I don’t care what the fuck you do. Go home,” Seth screamed. Luke had never seem him that angry.
Seth stormed off back into the building and Luke knelt on the ground right then and there and vomited violently. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he turned and headed towards home.
And now you've got me thinking 'bout
The first time that I met you
Standing in a crowded room
But I could only see you
Seth didn’t speak to him for a week after that, but Luke was almost grateful. It gave him time to think without Seth interrupting his thoughts. He went to the hospital to visit the guy, but he never actually made it into the room because he panicked outside and couldn’t work up the guts to go in and apologize.
When Seth finally did speak to him, he was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling when Seth came in without knocking and sat down on the end of the bed.
“You know I used to want to be just like you?” he asked without preamble.
“No.” Luke said, sitting up.
Seth smiled ruefully. “The Great Luke Ward,” he said, picking at an invisible piece of lint on the bed. “I wanted to talk like you, act like you, hell, I wanted to be you. You had all those friends, you had good grades, and you seemed like you had it all. Not to mention the fact that you were hot.”
Luke stared down at his hands without speaking.
“But then I grew up. And I realized that I could never be like you because I wasn’t cut out for it. I wasn’t popular and I wasn’t athletic, and I sure as hell wasn’t hot.”
“Yes you are,” Luke said and immediately groaned and covered his mouth with his hand.
Seth ignored that remark and plowed on. “And to top all of that off, I knew I couldn’t be like you because you were dating Marissa Cooper. And I knew that no matter what, I couldn’t date a girl because I knew what I was. And then I met Ryan. And as corny as it sounds, he made my life worth living. And when he took Marissa away from you, I really looked at you. And I realized that I didn’t want to be you anymore. Not because of the whole Marissa thing or the gay dad or Julie Cooper or whatever. But I didn’t want to be you anymore.” Seth swallowed hard and continued. “I wanted to be with you.”
“What?” Luke’s head snapped up and he met Seth’s eyes. “What about Chino?”
“Ryan…he’s…special. But not everyone gets to marry their soul mate and live happily ever after because sometimes, your soul mate doesn’t agree that they are yours. So you move on. And you find someone else. Maybe they aren’t who you thought you’d be with, but you love them.”
“So…what, they’re your consolation prize?”
“No, they’re the soul mate that you just didn’t meet earlier.”
“And what, you think I’m yours?”
Seth reached out slowly and took Luke’s hand. “I think you could be.”
“So what are you saying?”
Seth let go of his hand and sighed. “I’m saying, get your fucking act together soon. I like you. But you’re a fucking closet case who can’t admit who he is, even to himself. You like me, and you know you do, but you can’t admit it to yourself because you think it makes you sick or something and you think if you hide it and deny it, it’ll eventually go away. But it doesn’t, dude. It just doesn’t.”
Seth left the room, slamming the door, and Luke was left alone, feeling even worse than before.
He opened his mouth and let the words form on his lips. “I’m g—I’m guh—I’m…I’m a hommmmmmm…I’m…I can’t say it,” he whispered.
I practiced all the things I'd say
To tell you how I feel
Luke spent weeks in front of the mirror that hung on the door of his closet trying to say it. He tried different variations—“I’m a homosexual,” was no good, “I’m gay,” didn’t work, and “I like guys,” was worst of all. He just couldn’t say it no matter what he tried.
Halfway through the summer, Seth stayed at work an extra hour after they closed, saying he had agreed to give a late lesson because he needed the cash.
When he came home that evening, he wasn’t alone. He entered the house holding a guy’s hand. Luke had seen this guy before—he was a customer at the marina and he always insisted that Seth be the one to take him out sailing, even if Seth was out on a lesson at the time, he’d wait.
They were laughing and the guy was whispering something into Seth’s ear, making Seth’s eyes light up in a way that made Luke want to punch something.
“Hi,” Seth said.
Luke nodded a hello.
“This is James.”
“Hi,” James said, stepping forward to shake Luke’s hand.
Luke did, but grudgingly. He hated everything about James already, from the top of his ginger hair to the soles of his Converse shoes. He hated the way his green eyes sparkled when he looked at Seth, and he really hated the way Seth’s sparkled right back.
“Hello,” Luke’s dad said when he entered the room. “You must be James. Seth has told me all about you, of course. Dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. I didn’t want to start up the grill until I knew when you were getting home since I didn’t want the steak to dry out before you got here. Make yourself right at home.” He turned and walked to the door, stopping in the doorframe. “Luke, can you set the table, please?”
Luke nodded and got up to get the silverware.
He heard Seth say mischievously, “Care for a tour of the house? My room has a particularly great view.”
Luke didn’t have to be out and proud to know that the sentence didn’t end there. There was an implied, “…of me naked,” at the end.
He watched as they walked down the hallway to Seth’s room and shut the door. He slammed a plate so hard down on the table that it broke and cut his hand.
Fuck.
I want to tell you
If only I could reach you
When Seth and James emerged from the bedroom, Seth’s hair was mussed up even more so than usual and James’s lips were red and kiss-swollen. Luke wanted to punch that lip and make it swell up for another reason.
Luke’s father saw this and didn’t say a word. Luke really hated him just then.
James and Seth talked all through dinner, and Luke grudgingly admitted to himself that he could see why they got along so well. James was a big fan of comic books, but thought that the movies were crap. He even told Seth that he should start drawing his own comics. James talked just as much as Seth did, if not more, and they both smiled a lot. It was the first time Luke had seen Seth genuinely happy all summer.
So why was he himself so fucking miserable?
After dinner, Seth and James went out on the deck for awhile, and when Luke finally let himself look out there to check up on them, Seth was sitting in James’s lap and they were kissing.
Twenty minutes later, Seth poked his head in the house. “Hey, man. Me and James are gonna go for a walk. You wanna come?”
“No,” Luke gritted out.
Seth sighed and entered the house fully, closing the door behind him and leaning on it.
“You never did anything,” he said quietly. “I told you, I can’t be your experiment. You have to be sure of yourself, and you aren’t. James is a nice guy. I like him. He likes me.” He left.
Luke glared at the door for a long time after it shut before going to bed.
Cuz this is real
And you would see right through that
Seth kept dating James. After walking in on them twice and getting more of a view than he bargained for the second time, Luke learned to not even turn a corner without checking to see if they were doing anything first.
His dad dated on and off, but no one that he ever brought home.
And then there was Luke. Luke decided that if Seth was going to date this guy, then he was going to make himself straight again since he clearly couldn’t be with the only guy he wanted.
He dated a lot of girls. All of them thin, blonde, and just stupid enough to believe him when he said that he’d call them after they’d had sex. None of them felt right and deep down Luke knew why, but he refused to admit that.
He brought a couple home and made out with them on the couch where he knew Seth would walk by and see just to make him jealous, but all Seth would do was shake his head in a pitying sort of way and walk off, which really only infuriated Luke more.
Seth and James finally broke up a week before summer ended when they had a rather loud, angry argument over who was better, Catwoman or Wonder Woman.
Seth pushed James out of the door and slammed it roughly. He turned to Luke and said, “Can you believe that guy? Catwoman is totally better than Wonder Woman! Honestly, I can’t believe him.”
Wasn’t this the moment Luke had been waiting for? For Seth to break up with James so that he could kiss Seth and tell him that he liked him, even though Seth already knew that? But Luke knew that kissing him would be pointless unless he was ready to say the words, and he wasn’t. So he let Seth go to his room alone and he instead sat there staring at the blank TV screen long after the movie he’d been watching went off.
I didn't know you
I wanted to hold onto
The things you'd never say to me
Luke thought about it all week. They were going to be going to school in less than seven days. He knew that it’d be easier to just be gay from the start, to not wait until he had friends that could leave him and then admit it. Mostly he knew that Seth would find someone else if he didn’t say something soon.
So he went back to practicing in front of his mirror again.
Two days before school was set to start, it finally happened.
“I’m ga--. I’m a homo--. I’m…” He closed his eyes and pictured Seth and remembered what it had felt like to kiss him. It had been a long time, but he could still feel Seth’s lips on his. He could still remember the way his heart had fluttered and skipped a beat and the way Seth’s breath had been hot on his neck when he panted into Luke’s shoulder. He could remember all those things because they were engraved in his mind.
They solidified it. They made it real. It wasn’t the words, he realized suddenly. It was real whether he said them or not, but he had to admit that it was real by saying them.
He took a gulping breath and looked back into the mirror. “I am gay.”
He suddenly felt like crying, but he gritted his teeth and said it again. “I’m gay. I’m gay. I AM GAY.”
“Very good,” Seth said from the doorway.
Luke jumped around and stared at him wide-eyed.
“I’m gay,” he whispered.
“I know you are.” Seth smirked.
“I really really am,” Luke said.
“I know,” Seth said and moved into the room, shutting the door behind him.
“What now?” Luke asked.
“Now you tell someone who didn’t figure this all out on their own.”
“How’d you figure it out?” Luke asked staring at the ground. “I never asked.”
“You kissing me as soon as I walked through the door was a pretty good indication.”
“Yeah. Right. That.”
“You need to tell your father, Luke.”
“Okay. I will tomorrow. He’s out on a date right now.”
“Yeah, I know. I went to his office today to talk to him and I met the guy. He’s nice, you’ll like him.”
Luke snorted and sat down on the edge of the bed. “So…what about you and me?”
Seth sat down next to him and said, “We’re gonna be just fine.”
And this time Seth kissed him and he felt like maybe his life wasn’t so bad after all. Like maybe things might shift and get better and maybe he could do this. Maybe he could be gay. He wasn’t any different now than he was back when he was dating Marissa, was he? He was still the same person, still enjoyed the same things. Just now he enjoyed something else, something that had taken Marissa’s place. Something that was undeniably Seth.
Luke didn’t keep track of time, so he didn’t know how long they kissed, but eventually Seth pulled away and said goodnight and that he’d see Luke in the morning.
Luke went to sleep that night with the world’s biggest smile on his face, despite knowing that he’d have to tell his father the next morning.
And when I finally get my chance
It all seems so surreal
Chino. Luke hated him, and he really hated it when he showed up and Seth suddenly forgot that Luke was there.
The two of them walked out onto the deck to talk privately and Luke tried to tell himself that it was just a visit, that Seth was his. He was Seth’s soul mate now, right? Wasn’t that what Seth had said? Just because Seth/Ryan time had come first, that didn’t mean that Seth/Luke time wasn’t any less important. Seth/Ryan time wasn’t supposed to exist any more because Ryan had run back to Chino with his pregnant ex-girlfriend. He wasn’t supposed to be able to love Seth like Luke did, like Seth deserved. But from the way Seth was touching Ryan’s arm, Seth wasn’t thinking about any of that right then. He wasn’t thinking about Ryan leaving him or the fact that he’d just kissed Luke the night before, or any of that. He was only thinking about one thing: Ryan. Ryan coming to save him and playing the fucking hero again, and Luke really wanted to rip both of their heads off for that.
Now you've got me watching your eyes
Got me waiting just to see (If you ever look at me)
“I’m going home,” Seth said quietly, standing in Luke’s doorway the exact same way he had all summer, but somehow completely differently.
“I know,” Luke said, swallowing hard.
“Teresa lost the baby. Ryan decided to go back to Newport, and I’m going with him.”
“And the whole…”
“I told him. He said we’d see how things go.”
“So the two of you…?”
“Yeah.”
“Right.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I should’ve figured on it. He’s your soul mate. I knew that stuff about a second one was just bullshit.”
“No!” Seth exclaimed, rushing over and grabbing Luke’s face in his hands and forcing Luke to meet his eyes. “It’s not like that. And it’s not bullshit. It’s just…he’s special.”
“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”
“Luke, I…”
“You know this is twice now he’s taken something away from me that I wanted to hold onto? He took Marissa and my heterosexuality. And now he’s taking you. He’s always had you.”
“Not always. You’ve had me all summer.”
“No, I didn’t,” Luke ground out. “He’s always had you, Seth. He had you at the start of summer when I kissed you and he had you last night when you kissed me. You told me that you couldn’t be my experiment, Seth.” He paused and took a deep breath. “And you weren’t. You never realized that, but you weren’t. All summer, I’ve been yours. You seeing if you could ever love anyone but him. And it failed. I’m your failed experiment.”
Seth had tears in his eyes when he said, “No…” but without much force.
“Go on,” Luke said, pushing him gently towards the door. “Go. IM me some time.”
Seth looked back once, then closed the door and was gone.
Luke lay back on his bed, and for the first time, let himself cry.
Cuz now I can't forget you
Lyrics from "Change" by Good Charlotte
Pairing: Luke/Seth, Seth/Ryan, Seth/OC, Carson/OC, Luke/OC, past Luke/Marissa, past Ryan/Marissa, past Ryan/Teresa and all other canon pairings.
Rating: R.
Word Count: 3,971 this chapter, 10,019 overall.
Warnings: Internalized homophobia and Luke participates in a gay-bashing in part three.
Summary: He felt like, post-Marissa, everyone could read it on his face, like she had been a barrier of invisibility that he had hidden behind until then, and they were just seeing the real him for the first time. The gay him.
Disclaimer: Me = Poor. Josh Schwartz = Filthy rich. Note the difference.
Author’s Notes: Above all else, I suppose, this fic is a Luke-fic. It follows him through season 1 and the start of season 2 as he realizes that he’s gay, and then it realistically deals with that. For those who don’t know, internalized homophobia is when a person doesn’t want to admit they are gay, and they hate themselves for the urges that they have. (And special thanks to
crystallekil for help with the songs.)They ate their dinner in complete silence. When his dad finally came home, Luke decided it was high time he went to bed and headed down the hallway to his bedroom, even though it was only ten o’clock.
He lay down on his bed and tried to figure things out, but thinking only made it worse, so he gave up. He got thirsty, so he got up to head back to the kitchen, when he heard Seth and his father talking. He peeked around the corner to see what was going on.
“I know,” his father said, patting Seth’s shoulder sympathetically. “I went through the same thing when I was your age. Well, not exactly, of course, but I mean the being in love with your best friend part. His name was Jack, and as far as I was concerned, Jack could do no wrong. And then I told him how I felt and he and the rest of our friends beat me up behind the gym after school. After graduation, I moved to Newport and I haven’t seen him since.”
“It’s just so hard,” Seth said, and Luke thought he could hear tears in his voice. “I mean, I never even got to tell him. And now it’s like…all I can think about is, ‘If I had told him, would he have gotten Teresa pregnant? Would he have been so miserable with Marissa for so long?’ And I know that I’ll never know the answers. I just…God, I miss him.”
“I know. You’ll be okay, I promise.”
“I know, but…it feels like a part of me went with him to Chino and I can’t ever get it back. He won’t even answer my calls.”
“Maybe he’s trying to make it easier for everyone.”
“The only way he could make this easier is if he’d come home,” Seth said, resting his chin on his hand. “I just want him back.”
“He was never yours to begin with,” Luke’s dad said gently.
Seth’s head snapped up and he said, “Yes he was,” in a tone that Luke didn’t recognize. It was almost…predatory.
Seth seemed to be done talking because he went silent and his dad started plying him with ice cream, so Luke figured he should leave them to it. He turned and walked to the bathroom and got himself a drink from the spigot before returning to his room and lying back down.
God, he wanted Seth. There was no other way to put it. But Seth was in love with Ryan, and from the way it sounded, he wasn’t going to be getting over that any time soon.
Luke fell asleep with images of Seth kissing Ryan haunting his brain.
I think you lost yourself too
Throughout all of this confusion
I hope I somehow get to you
He woke up when his dad shook him awake. “Hey, you forgot to set your alarm. You gotta leave for work soon.”
Luke sat up with a jolt. “Oh, right. Sorry.”
He jumped out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom to shower. Throwing open the door, he froze in his tracks.
Shit.
He slammed the door shut and ran back to his room. “OhGodohGodohGod,” he muttered.
There was a knock on his door and Seth called, “I’m done with the shower now, you can go in if you want. Sorry about that.”
Luke felt slightly hysterical as he made his way back to the bathroom, knowing that he was definitely going to be jerking off this morning, and knowing exactly what mental image he’d be using.
Oh, God. He’d seen it. Sure, he’d pictured it in his twisted fantasies before, but that wasn’t like seeing it in real life and actually knowing what it looked like.
It was better than he’d imagined. A little less thick, but a little longer, cut, obviously, and definitely one of the nicest Luke had ever seen. Not that he’d seen many, but he was sure that even if he saw a hundred, it wouldn’t matter. None of them would ever compare to Seth’s simply because it was Seth’s and that made it better by default.
It was that moment that Luke realized that he and Seth weren’t so different. Seth had come to Portland to get away from the memories of the guy he loved who would never love him back…who could never love him back now. Seth had needed to escape. Wasn’t that what Luke had done? Hadn’t he left to get away from the memory of Seth? The only difference was that Seth left with his head held high, admitting why he was leaving. Luke hadn’t. He still hadn’t admitted it.
He wasn’t ready for it to be real yet. Those kisses were mistakes, lapses in judgment. Even if they did give him away, he still wasn’t ready to say the words. Saying them would make it real, and it being real would change his entire life and he wasn’t ready for that.
So maybe he should cut Seth some slack. Maybe, as much as it hurt, he should back off. Maybe he should let Seth heal. That’s what he’d come to Portland for. It was why they’d both come.
I could never do that, I could never do that
But you can't tell me this ain't real
Cuz this is real
They went to a party the second week Seth was there. They’d had a few drinks and Luke was feeling nicely tipsy when this guy came up to him and put his arms around Luke’s waist. He kept trying to get away, but the guy was wasted and wouldn’t back off. And then he tried to kiss Luke, and he’d had enough. He snapped and started punching the guy. Even after he’d gotten out of the guy’s grip he kept punching and kicking the guy. He was bleeding and screaming for Luke to stop, but Luke kept going.
“You fucking queer! Learn your lesson you stupid faggot! You and your stupid fudge-packing friends deserve what you get. Can’t even take it like a man, can you? Lying there crying and bleeding. Get up, queer boy. Get up and fight me like a man. Can’t, can you, you fucking pansy.”
Somewhere in his alcohol-addled brain, he knew he’d gone too far. He knew that he should really stop kicking the guy and that he should shut his mouth, but some how he couldn’t. He couldn’t turn the anger off because he wasn’t angry at the guy. He was angry at himself and he was pouring every ounce of hate he felt towards himself into his punches and kicks, taking it all out on some nameless stranger.
He felt an arm close around his and he turned to punch whoever it was, but stopped. It was Seth.
“Come on,” Seth said angrily, leading him out of the building. Everyone stared at them as they left and he heard someone shout “Call 9-1-1,” but he didn’t care.
When they got outside, Seth shoved him into a wall hard. His head cracked against the brick, but he barely felt it.
“What the fuck do you think you were doing?” Seth shouted.
“I…” Luke paused, unsure what to say.
“You know, I’ve played along with this whole ‘Luke Ward is straight’ fantasy world that you like to live in so far, but just because you’re in denial, that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on that guy. It doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me. Now I know you don’t wanna face this. I’ve been there. I know you don’t want to admit it. But guess what, Luke? You’re here and you are most definitely queer. And sooner or later you’re going to have to fucking square with that, and in the meantime, you’ve got to stop kissing me and then treating me like crap, and you’ve really got to check that anger. Now I’m going back in there to see if that guy’s okay. I don’t care what the fuck you do. Go home,” Seth screamed. Luke had never seem him that angry.
Seth stormed off back into the building and Luke knelt on the ground right then and there and vomited violently. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he turned and headed towards home.
The first time that I met you
Standing in a crowded room
But I could only see you
Seth didn’t speak to him for a week after that, but Luke was almost grateful. It gave him time to think without Seth interrupting his thoughts. He went to the hospital to visit the guy, but he never actually made it into the room because he panicked outside and couldn’t work up the guts to go in and apologize.
When Seth finally did speak to him, he was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling when Seth came in without knocking and sat down on the end of the bed.
“You know I used to want to be just like you?” he asked without preamble.
“No.” Luke said, sitting up.
Seth smiled ruefully. “The Great Luke Ward,” he said, picking at an invisible piece of lint on the bed. “I wanted to talk like you, act like you, hell, I wanted to be you. You had all those friends, you had good grades, and you seemed like you had it all. Not to mention the fact that you were hot.”
Luke stared down at his hands without speaking.
“But then I grew up. And I realized that I could never be like you because I wasn’t cut out for it. I wasn’t popular and I wasn’t athletic, and I sure as hell wasn’t hot.”
“Yes you are,” Luke said and immediately groaned and covered his mouth with his hand.
Seth ignored that remark and plowed on. “And to top all of that off, I knew I couldn’t be like you because you were dating Marissa Cooper. And I knew that no matter what, I couldn’t date a girl because I knew what I was. And then I met Ryan. And as corny as it sounds, he made my life worth living. And when he took Marissa away from you, I really looked at you. And I realized that I didn’t want to be you anymore. Not because of the whole Marissa thing or the gay dad or Julie Cooper or whatever. But I didn’t want to be you anymore.” Seth swallowed hard and continued. “I wanted to be with you.”
“What?” Luke’s head snapped up and he met Seth’s eyes. “What about Chino?”
“Ryan…he’s…special. But not everyone gets to marry their soul mate and live happily ever after because sometimes, your soul mate doesn’t agree that they are yours. So you move on. And you find someone else. Maybe they aren’t who you thought you’d be with, but you love them.”
“So…what, they’re your consolation prize?”
“No, they’re the soul mate that you just didn’t meet earlier.”
“And what, you think I’m yours?”
Seth reached out slowly and took Luke’s hand. “I think you could be.”
“So what are you saying?”
Seth let go of his hand and sighed. “I’m saying, get your fucking act together soon. I like you. But you’re a fucking closet case who can’t admit who he is, even to himself. You like me, and you know you do, but you can’t admit it to yourself because you think it makes you sick or something and you think if you hide it and deny it, it’ll eventually go away. But it doesn’t, dude. It just doesn’t.”
Seth left the room, slamming the door, and Luke was left alone, feeling even worse than before.
He opened his mouth and let the words form on his lips. “I’m g—I’m guh—I’m…I’m a hommmmmmm…I’m…I can’t say it,” he whispered.
To tell you how I feel
Luke spent weeks in front of the mirror that hung on the door of his closet trying to say it. He tried different variations—“I’m a homosexual,” was no good, “I’m gay,” didn’t work, and “I like guys,” was worst of all. He just couldn’t say it no matter what he tried.
Halfway through the summer, Seth stayed at work an extra hour after they closed, saying he had agreed to give a late lesson because he needed the cash.
When he came home that evening, he wasn’t alone. He entered the house holding a guy’s hand. Luke had seen this guy before—he was a customer at the marina and he always insisted that Seth be the one to take him out sailing, even if Seth was out on a lesson at the time, he’d wait.
They were laughing and the guy was whispering something into Seth’s ear, making Seth’s eyes light up in a way that made Luke want to punch something.
“Hi,” Seth said.
Luke nodded a hello.
“This is James.”
“Hi,” James said, stepping forward to shake Luke’s hand.
Luke did, but grudgingly. He hated everything about James already, from the top of his ginger hair to the soles of his Converse shoes. He hated the way his green eyes sparkled when he looked at Seth, and he really hated the way Seth’s sparkled right back.
“Hello,” Luke’s dad said when he entered the room. “You must be James. Seth has told me all about you, of course. Dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. I didn’t want to start up the grill until I knew when you were getting home since I didn’t want the steak to dry out before you got here. Make yourself right at home.” He turned and walked to the door, stopping in the doorframe. “Luke, can you set the table, please?”
Luke nodded and got up to get the silverware.
He heard Seth say mischievously, “Care for a tour of the house? My room has a particularly great view.”
Luke didn’t have to be out and proud to know that the sentence didn’t end there. There was an implied, “…of me naked,” at the end.
He watched as they walked down the hallway to Seth’s room and shut the door. He slammed a plate so hard down on the table that it broke and cut his hand.
Fuck.
If only I could reach you
When Seth and James emerged from the bedroom, Seth’s hair was mussed up even more so than usual and James’s lips were red and kiss-swollen. Luke wanted to punch that lip and make it swell up for another reason.
Luke’s father saw this and didn’t say a word. Luke really hated him just then.
James and Seth talked all through dinner, and Luke grudgingly admitted to himself that he could see why they got along so well. James was a big fan of comic books, but thought that the movies were crap. He even told Seth that he should start drawing his own comics. James talked just as much as Seth did, if not more, and they both smiled a lot. It was the first time Luke had seen Seth genuinely happy all summer.
So why was he himself so fucking miserable?
After dinner, Seth and James went out on the deck for awhile, and when Luke finally let himself look out there to check up on them, Seth was sitting in James’s lap and they were kissing.
Twenty minutes later, Seth poked his head in the house. “Hey, man. Me and James are gonna go for a walk. You wanna come?”
“No,” Luke gritted out.
Seth sighed and entered the house fully, closing the door behind him and leaning on it.
“You never did anything,” he said quietly. “I told you, I can’t be your experiment. You have to be sure of yourself, and you aren’t. James is a nice guy. I like him. He likes me.” He left.
Luke glared at the door for a long time after it shut before going to bed.
And you would see right through that
Seth kept dating James. After walking in on them twice and getting more of a view than he bargained for the second time, Luke learned to not even turn a corner without checking to see if they were doing anything first.
His dad dated on and off, but no one that he ever brought home.
And then there was Luke. Luke decided that if Seth was going to date this guy, then he was going to make himself straight again since he clearly couldn’t be with the only guy he wanted.
He dated a lot of girls. All of them thin, blonde, and just stupid enough to believe him when he said that he’d call them after they’d had sex. None of them felt right and deep down Luke knew why, but he refused to admit that.
He brought a couple home and made out with them on the couch where he knew Seth would walk by and see just to make him jealous, but all Seth would do was shake his head in a pitying sort of way and walk off, which really only infuriated Luke more.
Seth and James finally broke up a week before summer ended when they had a rather loud, angry argument over who was better, Catwoman or Wonder Woman.
Seth pushed James out of the door and slammed it roughly. He turned to Luke and said, “Can you believe that guy? Catwoman is totally better than Wonder Woman! Honestly, I can’t believe him.”
Wasn’t this the moment Luke had been waiting for? For Seth to break up with James so that he could kiss Seth and tell him that he liked him, even though Seth already knew that? But Luke knew that kissing him would be pointless unless he was ready to say the words, and he wasn’t. So he let Seth go to his room alone and he instead sat there staring at the blank TV screen long after the movie he’d been watching went off.
I wanted to hold onto
The things you'd never say to me
Luke thought about it all week. They were going to be going to school in less than seven days. He knew that it’d be easier to just be gay from the start, to not wait until he had friends that could leave him and then admit it. Mostly he knew that Seth would find someone else if he didn’t say something soon.
So he went back to practicing in front of his mirror again.
Two days before school was set to start, it finally happened.
“I’m ga--. I’m a homo--. I’m…” He closed his eyes and pictured Seth and remembered what it had felt like to kiss him. It had been a long time, but he could still feel Seth’s lips on his. He could still remember the way his heart had fluttered and skipped a beat and the way Seth’s breath had been hot on his neck when he panted into Luke’s shoulder. He could remember all those things because they were engraved in his mind.
They solidified it. They made it real. It wasn’t the words, he realized suddenly. It was real whether he said them or not, but he had to admit that it was real by saying them.
He took a gulping breath and looked back into the mirror. “I am gay.”
He suddenly felt like crying, but he gritted his teeth and said it again. “I’m gay. I’m gay. I AM GAY.”
“Very good,” Seth said from the doorway.
Luke jumped around and stared at him wide-eyed.
“I’m gay,” he whispered.
“I know you are.” Seth smirked.
“I really really am,” Luke said.
“I know,” Seth said and moved into the room, shutting the door behind him.
“What now?” Luke asked.
“Now you tell someone who didn’t figure this all out on their own.”
“How’d you figure it out?” Luke asked staring at the ground. “I never asked.”
“You kissing me as soon as I walked through the door was a pretty good indication.”
“Yeah. Right. That.”
“You need to tell your father, Luke.”
“Okay. I will tomorrow. He’s out on a date right now.”
“Yeah, I know. I went to his office today to talk to him and I met the guy. He’s nice, you’ll like him.”
Luke snorted and sat down on the edge of the bed. “So…what about you and me?”
Seth sat down next to him and said, “We’re gonna be just fine.”
And this time Seth kissed him and he felt like maybe his life wasn’t so bad after all. Like maybe things might shift and get better and maybe he could do this. Maybe he could be gay. He wasn’t any different now than he was back when he was dating Marissa, was he? He was still the same person, still enjoyed the same things. Just now he enjoyed something else, something that had taken Marissa’s place. Something that was undeniably Seth.
Luke didn’t keep track of time, so he didn’t know how long they kissed, but eventually Seth pulled away and said goodnight and that he’d see Luke in the morning.
Luke went to sleep that night with the world’s biggest smile on his face, despite knowing that he’d have to tell his father the next morning.
It all seems so surreal
Chino. Luke hated him, and he really hated it when he showed up and Seth suddenly forgot that Luke was there.
The two of them walked out onto the deck to talk privately and Luke tried to tell himself that it was just a visit, that Seth was his. He was Seth’s soul mate now, right? Wasn’t that what Seth had said? Just because Seth/Ryan time had come first, that didn’t mean that Seth/Luke time wasn’t any less important. Seth/Ryan time wasn’t supposed to exist any more because Ryan had run back to Chino with his pregnant ex-girlfriend. He wasn’t supposed to be able to love Seth like Luke did, like Seth deserved. But from the way Seth was touching Ryan’s arm, Seth wasn’t thinking about any of that right then. He wasn’t thinking about Ryan leaving him or the fact that he’d just kissed Luke the night before, or any of that. He was only thinking about one thing: Ryan. Ryan coming to save him and playing the fucking hero again, and Luke really wanted to rip both of their heads off for that.
Got me waiting just to see (If you ever look at me)
“I’m going home,” Seth said quietly, standing in Luke’s doorway the exact same way he had all summer, but somehow completely differently.
“I know,” Luke said, swallowing hard.
“Teresa lost the baby. Ryan decided to go back to Newport, and I’m going with him.”
“And the whole…”
“I told him. He said we’d see how things go.”
“So the two of you…?”
“Yeah.”
“Right.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I should’ve figured on it. He’s your soul mate. I knew that stuff about a second one was just bullshit.”
“No!” Seth exclaimed, rushing over and grabbing Luke’s face in his hands and forcing Luke to meet his eyes. “It’s not like that. And it’s not bullshit. It’s just…he’s special.”
“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”
“Luke, I…”
“You know this is twice now he’s taken something away from me that I wanted to hold onto? He took Marissa and my heterosexuality. And now he’s taking you. He’s always had you.”
“Not always. You’ve had me all summer.”
“No, I didn’t,” Luke ground out. “He’s always had you, Seth. He had you at the start of summer when I kissed you and he had you last night when you kissed me. You told me that you couldn’t be my experiment, Seth.” He paused and took a deep breath. “And you weren’t. You never realized that, but you weren’t. All summer, I’ve been yours. You seeing if you could ever love anyone but him. And it failed. I’m your failed experiment.”
Seth had tears in his eyes when he said, “No…” but without much force.
“Go on,” Luke said, pushing him gently towards the door. “Go. IM me some time.”
Seth looked back once, then closed the door and was gone.
Luke lay back on his bed, and for the first time, let himself cry.
Lyrics from "Change" by Good Charlotte
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-03-13 02:28 am (UTC)He opened his mouth and let the words form on his lips. “I’m g—I’m guh—I’m…I’m a hommmmmmm…I’m…I can’t say it,” he whispered.
*nods* exactly, it doesn't seem like such a hard thing to say but oh god it so is. *clings*
no subject
Date: 2006-03-13 02:50 am (UTC)No, I haven't gone through anything like this. It was like...I didn't get into Luke's head, he got into mine. And he was bouncing up and down telling me what to write and I could barely move my fingers fast enough. Forceful, that one, when he wants to be. Heh.
*squeezes*
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Date: 2006-03-14 10:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-14 10:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-14 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-15 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-15 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-15 02:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-15 03:31 am (UTC)I like how long it took him to accept what he's become, and that you took away what he wanted just after he made his choice.
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Date: 2006-03-15 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-18 12:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-18 12:24 am (UTC)Kidding! But it really put me sad when Luke said that he was Seth’s experiment.
Again, wonderful song the one you pick, and fit very well.
This chapter it’s wonderful. Now I’m going to the last one.
*hugs you*
no subject
Date: 2006-03-18 12:31 am (UTC)Poor Luke though. I put him through so much in this thing. *pets him*
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Date: 2006-03-18 06:43 am (UTC)And yes... Luke now needs a fic when he gets everything he had lost here back. Ok, not everything, like not Marissa and/or his heterosexuality, but yes Seth! Don't you think? *sappy smile*
no subject
Date: 2006-03-18 06:48 am (UTC)